I am not happy to be back in the dating world. Sure, there is a thrill about the “novel” the “new” and the intoxicating feeling of falling in love, but… I was set. I was in. I was settled. I was “securely attached” for the first time in my adult life. Wow. But there was something missing. I’m getting a handle on that X factor. I think it’s JOY. (More on this later.)

Online Dating Today

As I have built new profiles on several online dating sites, I’m struck by what appears to be an awful degradation of the most of the apps/websites. Here’s my quick read on my top 4.

Bumble < the only platform worth spending time on
Match.com < like the Publishers Clearinghouse of dating site
Tinder < gone to the bots, pornsters, and scammers
OKCupid < used to have some edgy advantages, now just scammers
Facebook < a number of relationships have come through “friends”
Facebook Dating (in the mobile app only) < awful, no, don’t even try
LinkedIn < okay, so what if we look at successful people’s professional experience first?

Don’t Do These Things On Your Profile

Booty and Boobs: seriously, if this is your best feature we are going to be a miss. I don’t date a boob, I don’t want a hottie, I don’t trust the gym-rat-pumped sports bra shot. Let’s talk about something other than your boobs and butt, okay?

Booze: okay, if most of your photos show you drinking it’s a red flag for me. I don’t want to meet you at a bar, I doubt we will go to bars as a couple unless a band is playing that we want to see. You don’t need to show me your party side, your “rita on Friday” selfie. I’m okay if you do or don’t do alcohol, but I don’t want it to be a big part of our life together, so… If it’s a big part of your life, I’m not going to match.

Too Much Glam: fake eyelashes and eyebrows are odd to me. I do understand that I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m just giving my opinion. As my daughter told me once, “If that’s something she’s doing to make herself feel pretty, who the fk are you to tell her something different?” She’s great at keeping me in my lane. Like a TikTok post I thought was funny this morning, she said, “Take it down, Dad. It’s creepy.”

Ultimate Traveler Pictures: too many photos of you in Maui or next to a private jet… Well, I’m probably not going to be able to follow you on that lifestyle, I certainly don’t have the cash to provide you with that lifestyle. I’m all about being a kept man, but won’t have the money to be a sugar daddy until Oprah discovers my books.

Holding the Fish in the Patriots Jersey: I guess you’re showing me you’re into football and fishing. It’s probably a great way to a certain outdoorsman’s heart. So, perhaps, I’m just not your demographic.

Smoothing Filters and Filler: sorry but if you filter your photo it’s like sandblasting your real personality out of any photo. Some shots are so blurry, I wonder if the photo is AI rather than a real person. Also, filler and lip stings are obvious. Unless you are a Kardashian, or you love reality tv, keep your proportions as nature provided them. Age with grace. Find your joy in your real body.

The Snark or Sneer: I guess these are the antidote to “you’d look so much better if you’d smile,” but, I can’t see how this is an expression I’d ever hope to see when we are together. It’s the “hell naw” look. Disdaine. Might be bad teeth. But don’t look mad. I ask myself, “Really? Is that the photo you thought would attract a perfect mate for you?”

Show These Things On Your Profile

Show outdoor activities you actually participate in. This is a great way to show me what you like to be doing. A runner? Okay, I understand that. I guess this is where the “fish pic” makes sense, just not for me.

Show at least one full-body pic. I don’t think we need to explain this one.

Having fun doesn’t have to involve alcohol. What makes you smile? Where are you when you’re happiest? Like a selfie from the ACL Festival.

Your kids. Sure, show me one of your sweet kids. Parents like seeing other parent’s kids. And as parents, we know that dating another single parent is going to give us a lot of connection points.

The Invitation to Dance

So, here’s the basic formula. 1. Show who you are. 2. Tell who you are. 3. Say what you are looking for. That’s the hardest one, but also the most important.

A smashing profile pic with little or no content in their profile is a left swipe. If you’re just banking on a sweet photo, I’m not going to waste either of our attention or time. What I’d like to hear about is some adventure you’re partnership is going to provide. Let me give you an example from recent weeks.

A colleague of the marketing world reconnected on LinkedIn. We exchanged a few ideas, talked about collaborating on a project in the future. We continued our conversation a week later, and it evolved into a coffee. She was fascinating. She shared a lot about her life and her current health challenges with Austin’s allergies. She invited me to connect on Facebook and Instagram. And… SHE’S A SAILOR.

Without a single word an adventure was emerging in my mind. Sailing together.

What am I offering in my profile?

How did I do?

A Final Welcome

Keep hope and faith alive. Never settle for “meh” or “nearly.” It will fall apart. Online dating might not be the best way to find a new partner, but it is one avenue.

Here’s the truth: it’s a numbers game. Out there is someone. They are going to be challenging and intoxicating. But that’s what we’re asking for. A new dance partner. So, put your profiles out there. See what works for you. And to be fair, I’m in a chat with a woman whose opening photo is a faceless red bikini shot. (But, Bumble reorders your photos for performance, so it must be working.)

You want to swipe RIGHT on as many people as possible. (Well, unless you’re already overwhelmed with “hi cutie” offers.

We only need ONE connection. ONE.

My rule is “you can only kiss one person at a time.” Don’t get too far ahead of yourself. Keep out of the bedroom for a bit, so you can begin your emotional evaluation in a less “charged” state. I want a partner not a project. I don’t want to be the “coach” in my relationship. My future partner doesn’t need a coach, they are self-regulating and self-healing women. BRAVING is not an idea it’s a way of relating to each other.

Don’t give up on love. It’s out there. Make sure you’re putting out a message that’s going to attract the right people.

• joy + joy : become part of our joy+tribe
• Starting at Zero: Relationship Basics for the Newly Single
• Single Dad Explains Online Dating in 2024
• New Era Online Dating Exploration

You can find all of my books on AMAZON.