I’m saddened by my recent breakup. Sad to hurt someone I cared (care) about deeply. I also understood a truth I told her the second time I informed her that I was breaking up with her. “I’m sorry, I also cannot help you through this.” I knew that I was going to need an extended period of no contact. I’d been through a number of breakups since my big breakup in 201o, divorce.

Single For Now

In these moments alone I become quiet and mindful. I also get frustrated. I was SO CLOSE! Solving some riddle of my own heart and mind. I don’t believe in soul mates. I believe in emotional intelligence and evolving as a couple. As I grow and change so do you. As we become intertwined we learn things we can do to ease our partner’s lives. We also learn things that don’t work for them, or work for us. We change. We grow. And if things go well, we continue to align our paths.

It is also in this time of pause that it is important for me to reconsider what I want, what I need, and what I will never settle for again. I learned a lot. I am a learning individual. My partner, my next partner, must be a growth and evolve person as well. If they are less interested in my writing month over month, I would say they are trending, or evolving, away from our partnership. I don’t need an audience. I do need to be seen from time to time. I learned that I cannot count on anyone else to contain my joy (writing/music/kids/tennis – in no particular hierarchy). If they show signs of boredom, well, that’s where I will break it off. If they scroll IG while I read a short poem, I can pause for them to return to an awareness of me, blow it off and quit reading, or I can read anyway, understanding that my connection needs are not being met.

What’s The Benefit of a Long-Term Relationship?

Even in this moment of solitude, I understand how much energy I derive from having a partner in my life. I feel more settled. I like focusing my attention, gratitude, and appreciation on one person over time. One person.

I am even more aware of how much energy was released when I let go of my last partner. I was relieved when she went on vacation without me. That’s never a good sign. (Reminded me of my failed marriage – and the relief that would fill me when she had to travel.) What I was excited about was redirecting the attention I was spending on her and fixing our relationship, back toward my own creativity. My writing has been blooming for most of this year. I don’t need a partner for entertainment or fulfillment. I want one. I don’t need one. There’s a difference.

As I begin a new courtship I delight in how my mind and body open up the throttle of imagination. I’m ready. I’m racing the engines. I’m telling myself to slow down. I’m advising her to not rush into sex. I’m hungry. I’m electric. We are both feeling the buzz.

I don’t need buzzed love.

I am not addicted to the highs of falling in love. Sure, it’s amazing as it’s happening. Also, many people become addicted to the high of a new relationship and fall into a 6-month pattern of leaving. I’ve had my fill of those as well. I am looking forward to engaging with a new partner next year sometime. I don’t think rushing into “next” is a good idea for anyone, and I’m taking my own advice. Still… There is this one person…

How Would This Even Work?

We’re adults with semi-grown children. We live in different cities. We still have work and parenting duties. We also have a pull to remain friends and perhaps rekindle a potential partnership. I think I’m going to start talking about partnerships rather than relationships. I’m not clear on marriage as a goal, but I am very clear on becoming a great couple, a great partner for my partner, and not worrying too much about the form. It’s premature.

What partnering does is it takes the timeline and pressure of “figuring it out.” Don’t try. Just be. Be your most loving and best-behaved self. That’s how you should always be, but in this case, with a partner, do even better. Grow. Evolve. Learn from your partner. Listen to your partner. If there are parts of their life you don’t understand, take an interest. Ask. Reflect. Show up.

At this moment there is no movement required. At this moment I have turned SEEK MODE OFF.

I think about her life for a second. This unnamed unknown old friend. What could I possibly provide? She’s been a solo mom since her kid was born. She lives more than an hour away. How could Prince Charming add anything to her life? She’s not looking for a relationship. It’s obvious she fields questions about “lunch” or “let’s connect” all the damn time. Men are animals. I’m a bit more considered. I will not pounce. That’s not what she needs or wants. So what, then?

I can be a solid and honest sounding board for ideas and aspirations. I can jointly navigate this process of getting older, staying healthy, and dealing with setbacks. I loved having a partner to share some of the pain of what I’ve been dealing with around my son’s addiction. That was powerful until it became unmanageable. This was the last part of my previous partnership that blew us apart. “You need to stay in your lane,” I said several times. It made her furious. She could not contain her own advice, frustrations, and resentment about my son’s malfunction. Um. Wait.

“I can only deal with one crisis at a time,” I pleaded. “I need you to take care of yourself and your need to intervene with me. I cannot manage your upset about my son. I am dealing with enough.”

From my Al-Anon upbringing, I knew this:

Unsolicited advice is always a criticism.

I detached. Retracted my reliance on her. I gave it some time. I considered options. I talked about what I needed. I mentioned Brené Brown’s Braving again. She tried. It didn’t work out.

So, What Do I Want?

Yes, this is about me. My wants. My understanding of how needs and wants are different. And finally, my recently revised list of must-haves.

MUST HAVE

• Trust
• Autonomy
• Empathy
• Emotional Intelligence
• Sexual Awareness
• Passionate Action In Life

NEED

• Conscious Sex
• A Spiritual Connection
• Fit and Energetic
• Joyous

WANT

• Attractive (But Not Too Attractive)
• Time To Spend Together
• Mutual Adoration
• Inspires Me Into Action

Have you made your LIST? If you don’t know what you’re looking for you will probably end back in the same place. I am not scratching my head wondering what went wrong. I also have zero regrets about the time (nearly 3 years) I spent giving this partnership absolute commitment. I am here. I am alone. I am desirous of a new relationship. I also have a lot of creative projects spinning up, at the moment. I have a kid in recovery. And I know how to be alone and deal with everything.

The difference will be, when a partner shows up who is also “alone and dealing with everything” who wants to consider what adding a co-pilot might look like.

As for my friend, well, let’s get through the holidays and see where things end up.