If she drinks the third glass I begin looking for what I'm going to do that evening when she's fallen asleep. If she asks for water, my mind enters into a different set of fantasies that involve her participation. The real joy is that we've had this discussion.
I did learn to love full-on in this marriage. I learned to put my whole soul into the project and come back with the joy of being a parent, and being in love, and being married. This total commitment is part of what blindsided me in the divorce.
I can. I am. And I am learning to be better to myself. I'm good with others. I have compassion, empathy, and support for just about any struggle my friends or family are going through. But when I look at myself and my failures, I'm often harsh and shaming.
A cocktail at the end of a rough day is an understandable indulgence. If it becomes routine, you might be coping for parts of your life that are out of…