Back to Single as a Relationship Status

Spread the love

It’s funny. Two fruitful relationships have started from Facebook friends, for me. Today I put my relationship status from “nothing to show” to “single.” Just so you know. All you single moms. Tennis-playing hotties. I’m bored. I’d like to be dating and feeling the flow of falling in love, but… NOT RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT.

Being Single is Okay

I know how to do single. I am happy traveling alone, reading a book alone in bed until 2 am, watching whatever show I want to watch and going to sleep even as the dragon fight is about to begin. It’s all me 24/7. I love being in a relationship as well. I think I learn a lot from my brushes with amazing women. What I don’t want to do, at this perfect moment, is jump too soon.

Settling is a death sentence for any relationship. I advise against it. Also, waiting for the other person to change, not going to happen. There are some options. 1. Tell your partner what you want. 2. Be flexible with their requests. 3. Make changes in your behavior to enhance your closeness. 4. Don’t give up the things about you that make you happy.

Let me give an example.

I love playing tennis. It’s my exercise 4 – 5 times a week. I guess I’ve always been an athlete. Several times in the past I forgot that, got fat, got depressed, got fatter, lost all motivation. I’m in one of my periods of ascendency. I’m playing the best tennis of my life. So, I think it’s going pretty well. The weight is no longer an issue I don’t understand, it’s just my indulgence in dessert. I’m exercising enough. “You can’t outrun the spoon.”

If my partner plays tennis that’s a win. If they don’t play tennis but want to, that’s also a win. If they’d rather play pickleball or go for walks around the lake. All good. I don’t need my partner to be my competitive mixed doubles partner.

What I Learned Recently

I really do need my partner to be working on some master plan of their own. Some project, idea, dream that gives them renewed energy and brings extracurricular data into our adventure together. I want to be able to lean into your creative arts as well. You don’t have be a writer or musician. I would like you to have a passion project of some kind. A few relationships ago that passion project was sexual in nature. While that was intoxicating for a few months of red-hot bedroom tussles, it was not a sustainable path. You can’t stay on Fetlife and be in a monogamous relationship. Oh, and that’s me: fiercely monogamous. Those of us wounded by infidelity will never inflict it on others. Ever.

I found in my previous relationship that “good enough” is not enough. Having an adoring and securely attached partner was a soul-affirming event. She gave me a new sense of what a healthy and happy relationship looks like. The is beautiful and accomplished. And… there was something missing.

In my recent decompression, I’ve been trying to identify the miss that goes a bit deeper than the surface problems. Maybe the miss was mine. In the early weeks of pairing up, I saw some of the coming disconnects. I was excited, excitable, and I blew right past some of the red flags. Again, she was amazingly warm and pretty. And she was quick to say how much she cared for me. All good.

Something was missing.

I didn’t know how to put my finger on it. She even asked about it, around year two, “I’m worried I’m not enough for you.” What I didn’t understand about her fear was the underlying challenge is put in my court. “Of course, you are enough. You are amazing.” End scene. In other conversations, say with my best friend, the term “cultivated interests” came into my vocabulary. In some ways, her question uncovered the bigger issue and I didn’t even know it.

Yes, I am a creative and I require blocks of alone time to write or play music. So on weekends, we’d have to divvy up SAT and SUN to fit in both our needs, and if we’re in alignment, sex. Woohoo! Early on, she complained that I always wanted to schedule sex, it wasn’t spontaneous or frequent enough. Hmm? I had to revisit my own ideas about this one. No, the scheduling has more to do with my creative time than if or when we can have sex this weekend. Okay. But this is where the imbalance began to show up.

Weekends became an easy negotiation. “Hey, I’ve got a rehearsal at noon, so I’m going to be out until about 5 pm. But we could go to breakfast and fool around in the next three hours if you’re up for it.”

Then I would go off and do my thing, music, or writing, or tennis, and she’d… Well, here’s the part I have no business correcting her about, and yet it’s part of the miss. She would go shopping. Have lunch with her sisters. Get her nails or hair done. What should I care? Right. That’s what my daughter told me the first time I talked about cultivated interests to her. “That’s pretty much what I do on weekends, Dad. None of your business.”

Well, except my daughter is 21. And if this is going to be our lifestyle, I’d like to imagine my partner doing some other types of activities when we’re not together. I’d like to imagine she’s dreaming up fun stuff for Saturday night, rather than depending on me, or defaulting to ritas and a show. It is so easy to get into a groove that becomes a rut. And it’s easy for me, as an artist asking for alone time, to feel like I’m the limiting factor in how happy we are as a couple. But that’s not fair. And it’s not a sustainable path.

My partner needs to be jamming in her own world on her own things. I need to be able to support and love and encourage her pursuits. If she doesn’t have any… Well, I’m going to be encouraging and hopeful that something will emerge. For her. For us. I don’t always want to be the cruise director, fun ambassador, and “here are some shows we might enjoy” person. I want to be saying, “Oh my god, listen to this demo I just cut of a new song.” And for her part, I’d like some (a few) similar enthusiasms.

I suppose they could be, “I found this amazing throw pillow in Fredericksburg today.” But, I don’t think that’s fulfilling or sustainable. I do have an aversion to retail therapy. It was my ex-wife who showed the kids how going to the mall for hours was FUN. NO! I still have problems with their consumption for entertainment purposes. Again, who am I to tell my partner what to do in their free time, but… I guess I did want a bit something more from my partner.

I want something to be fascinated by. Beyond your work and your amazing body, I’d like your mind and soul to be dancing on the weekends in some fashion that I can join in. I’ll learn the steps. I’ll follow if you’d like to lead me. But, it’s not going to be shopping or traveling to a nearby town for a day of antiquing. And “your find.” I’m sorry. I’m not into consumerism as a hobby.

So What Do I Want?

Joy.

Give me something you’re truly joyful about. Let me lean into it with you. Even if I don’t get it. Let me watch your glowup when you talk about your “project.” Whatever it is. I want to be into you. I want to support and cheer as you grow and evolve into the lover you’re meant to be.

I guess, reflecting back now, that her question was valid. Perhaps she was feeling my ho-hum support of the shopping trips and wall art she was procuring. I wanted her to do her own wall art. Do her own thing. I couldn’t figure it out for her. I couldn’t give her a book to help her connect with her Care of the Soul. It was not my job. I could give her the book. I could encourage adventure. And then, I had to pay attention to my daughter’s words. “That’s what I do on the weekend, and you love me.”

Yes, but…

After thought: And, as a friend pointed out a number of years ago. “Single Dad” is your brand. You can’t change that brand, it won’t work.

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest | @wholeparent