There’s an interesting feature in Bumble Premium that I played with for a week or so. I relocated to New York City, just to see what would happen. I am traveling there this week and thought a casual coffee or two would be fun.

Travel Mode in Bumble

First, the number of women is 10 X the dating pool here in Austin. Many of the NYC women are highly educated and Jewish. This is not a slight, just an observation. I like thin dark geniuses. Their profiles appear more interesting to me. There is a lot less Botox and fake eyelashes up East.

Second, there’s an idea of flexibility and availability that is tested by the “Where do you live again?” question. Some people are NOs, but many are up for a conversation anyway.

Third, in this massive market, apparently, I’m somewhat of a catch. My BeeLine lit up in the first few days with about 50 LIKES. To be fair, 90% of them were “nopes.” But still, it was interesting to see what a cute girl’s activity must look like.

Fourth, after about a week I had converted three different conversations to texting. One woman, a prime candidate, even shared a few phone calls, that were delightful.

Fifth, the entire idea of “dating long distance” is fluid and not really mentioned. I’m pretty sure none of these women were looking for a fling. Perhaps a man wealthy enough to manifest a passionate travelocity romance.

Sixth, as the pool of eligible women began to run low, Bumble showed me the same profiles over and over, using different main photos. Um, “No Bumble, when I swipe left I mean it.”

Traveling Mode In Practice

While I did have three live conversations on my phone, keeping the energy or interest alive was a bit dicey. Too many “good mornings” or “how was your meeting” are going to panic a woman who’s not been in a relationship for several years. And even the smallest miscommunications can sever the connection without comment, simply gone. Disconnected.

There was one of the three women I was pretty impressed by. I liked her intelligence and conversations were fun and fast. I was a bit concerned that she had four kids with the youngest being 12. (Um, I’ve been in this movie before.) But, the more revealing thing started happening as I reached for continuity. She was too busy. Sure, the request was for a FaceTime call over coffee in the morning, but that shouldn’t be that hard, right, unless something was not authentic.

Oh, and there was the nose piercing. Hmm, at a certain age, these enhancements seem more like unhealthy declarations of independence and liberation. My first post-divorce girlfriend had a massive Lion tattooed across her stomach. I couldn’t dig it. So, for me, on a woman of my relative age, a nose ring or piercing was a red flag. A sign of immaturity. Perhaps, I read it wrong.

As The Date Nears

Of the three women, only one was game to meet for coffee and a walk in Central Park. The other two were traveling themselves while I was in town, or had friends in from out of town and wouldn’t be available. My energy zeroed in on the first woman of interest. The one with the scheduling or “getting prettied up for the Zoom call” woman.

Looks like we’re breaking up before we began. Hm.

I knew even a coffee date was a stretch for me. I love New York, but I don’t need a date to enjoy it. I will write in cafes, see musicals and plays. Enjoy Central Park and try to get a Colbert ticket.

Yesterday, after my breakup, I disabled my travel mode. It was a distraction. Sure, it was fun to have women to swipe again, but that lifestyle is more hedonistic and whimsical than I can buy into. I mean, what was this woman thinking? How did my casual comments put me in the friend zone? Right, I was from out of town, I was temporary, I was a dream. Even if things went really well, I wondered the night after our first electrifying phone call, how would I find my place within her busy and crowded life.

Turns out I won’t.

Looking Ahead to New York City

I had an inspiration the other day while I was eating lunch at a local organic grocery store. Since online dating and introductions are such a crap shoot, what if I was merely friendly in person, walking around an expensive grocery store looking for fresh guava? What if I worked on myself, my appearance, my attitude and allowed the world, the Universe, the Virgin Mother to provide my path to salvation?

I jest. I understand a woman, a relationship, is not my highest purpose. I like/love them. I like relating and nurturing a good partnership. And hey, if we get two out of three years of happiness, perhaps that’s enough.

I say this and I know I am copping out.

I want THE ONE. I am still committed to finding my LTR. My partner. My muse. I have learned a few new lessons. I am less charged to find a new lover. I am more patient and mindful. I am in no hurry. Perhaps that message will resonate with someone who matches up to me with more vigor and confidence than my superwoman from NJ with four kids, a non-profit or two, and another 8 years of dropping her son off at games, appointments, friend’s houses, and school. That’s a lot. I’ve done mine.

Not sure I’m ready to do someone else’s. I mean, I would. I did. I loved it. But it’s a different kind of relationship. Traveling dating? For me, it’s a no. Dating a woman with a young teen or preteen? No.

What I am ready for is an adventure on my own. Continue to build my best life, project my happy self, optimistic mindset, and ever-strengthening body. Yes, life is good. I enjoy life with a partner, yes, but life alone has got to be rich first. That’s what I’m bringing to the party. What do you have? What are your goals? Would you date a long-distance partner? If yes, what would have to happen to make this a securely attached relationship? I don’t know or understand how this would look.

I’ll walk alone in NYC. Coffee and walks in Central Park. Observant. Available. And blissed out by my own inner YES.

• joy + joy : become part of our joy+tribe
• Starting at Zero: Relationship Basics for the Newly Single
• Single Dad Explains Online Dating in 2024
• New Era Online Dating Exploration

You can find all of my books on AMAZON.