Responding to bad advice and bullshit single-dad stereotypes from YourTango.
Yeah, so you’re a dating site. Yourtango is trying to break out into a more advice and knowledge-driven site. But it’s roots as a dating app/service review site is still part of it’s DNA. That’s why seeing this headline in my newsfeed had me curious about what YT might have to say about single dads like me. Let’s dig in.
He may have a good look, but it’s not as good a look as you think.
Here are the 10 HUGE Downsides to Dating a Single Father as presented by YourTango:
1. Dating a single dad means that you will have to play “mommy,” regardless of what he says.
2. Baby mama drama is a thing.
3. A lot of single dads tend to have entitled double standards when it comes to dating.
4. There’s also the issue of time.
5. Don’t forget the money aspect, either.
6. No matter how “okay” with kids you are, there’s always that concern about having the breakup hurt the kid.
7. Though this isn’t always the case, there good reason to worry about single dads being unfit partners.
8. A lot of women do want to have kids, but want their kids to be the dad’s first.
9. There’s also the issue of his kid coming first, all the time.
10. It’s just a lot more “what-ifs” than most people want to deal with.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess this is a very young woman writing this. A woman who has yet to experience having a child of her own. A woman, perhaps interested in the benefits of dating a single dad, but now weighing the problems too. I’m wondering now if this formulaic post was initially written about single moms. I’ll go check that out later.
The reason I take issue with this list is that it’s actually a hit piece.
#10 “a lot more ‘what-ifs’ than most people want to deal with.”
Who the fuck is she talking to? When you are starting a relationship asking “what-ifs” is part of the process. And saying the above reasons is NOT a 10th reason, it’s a summary.
And #9 “the issue of his kid coming first…”
Again, this sounds like a petulant young woman who doesn’t understand anything about parenting. This is actually sort of harsh towards the mom of the single dad’s kids. And many of these issues sound more like complaints about any relationship where one or both of the partners have kids.
#8: “A lot of women…”
Really. Where are you getting your information? From within the confines of your young mind?
#7: “Though this isn’t always the truth…”
(as bullshit statements are often preceded by dumb prefaces like that) “there is good reason to worry about single dads being unfit partners.” This one is so stupid I’m going to give you the rest of the content.
Raising a kid is a two-person job. With most women dreading the potential of being a single mom, it says volumes if you find out that he’s divorced or that she’s walked from him. That typically means that the ex felt it was easier to be alone than it was to be with him, and you have to wonder why.
Yes, sweet young thing, raising a kid IS a two-person job. But the dad is not “typically” the sole reason for the divorce. This is stupidity about parenting, divorce, and co-parenting. This statement has ZERO empathy for the “parent” part of the equation. Yes, it takes both parents to raise the kids.
[Here’s $100 bet the writer is not a single mom, nor old enough to have single mom peers.]
#6: “Always that concern about having the breakup hurt the kid…”
First of all, parents do not refer to each other’s children as “the kid.” This is a non-parent style of not relating to being a parent. If you are concerned about hurting “the kid” perhaps you should be more concerned about why you got into this relationship in the first place. “The kid” is 100% part of the package. He or she probably has a name. And you might consider calling them by their names or at least his child or children. Semantics yes, but this statement is clearly written by a naive woman.
#5 and #4 The Issue of Time and Money
Duh. This is not different for single dads. Well, unless you are self-centeredly trying to decide if there is enough upside in a relationship with a single dad to give THEM the time of day. Let’s say things go great. Do you think time and money are always going to be an issue in any relationship? Yes, single dads have schedules, custody, chores associated with being a parent. What time and money constraints do you have in your life, BEFORE you go looking for a single dad to date.
#3 Entitled Double Standards
What does that mean? And where are you getting your numbers that equal “a lot?” Let’s let this relationship expert give us her opinion of this situation verbatim.
It’s baffling how many single dads do not want to date single mom, or dumped the mothers of their children because they “let themselves go.” Some even openly admit it’s because they want a woman who will take care of their kids while also looking like a gym bunny.
It’s 2017, and no one has time for that. Frankly, most guys who think that way have shown they really don’t have anything to offer women as a whole.
It’s more baffling how this article got published. No one has time for that! What? Taking care of themselves? Being mindful of their own bodies and their own time and boundaries?
#2 Baby Mama Drama is a Thing
This writer has no sympathy for a single mom. And sees them as pathetic and as some sort of competitor.
#1 You will have to play “mommy,” regardless of what he says
Do I need to map this one out? “Regardless of what he says…” is really the kicker. Because men lie? And do you not want to play “mommy?” Are you considering having a kid with this man? Are you aware you can’t have the man without his child, if he’s a dad?
Why YourTango Is a Dating Site and Not a Relationship Site
This whole article tees men up as potential “dating opportunities.” There is NOTHING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP in the entire post. It’s about the dad’s relationship with his kids and their mom. It’s more about the person and less about the label when you are dealing with real people and real experience. In this writer’s experience, the single dad is merely a different flavor of a man with advantages and disadvantages.
I can only imagine if this woman wrote the same piece about dating a single mom that the issues and complaints would be nearly identical. She has no clue about the power and nuance of being a parent. Much less, loving someone who is a single parent. We’re not opportunities. We are people. And our children are not “the kid.” They are Jason and David and Sally Anne.
Well, I got the young writer idea wrong. But Christine doesn’t appear to have children. And she appears to write more about Zodiac predictions than anything emotionally intelligent. While this is not a hit piece on her or YourTango, I am frustrated when bullshit like this is published as “wisdom” or even advice. There is not ONE good piece of advice in this article. In fact, this article is harmful to anyone who might consider a relationship with a single parent, man or woman.
Flip this whole thing around to be about two women dating. One of them has a kid with another parent. Do the same issues and bullshit advice ideas apply? I’d say they do. But the advice is worthless and misguided. Could I do better? I don’t know. I’ve tended to write about the advantages of dating a single father.
Namasté,
John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
Facebook | Instagram | Pinterest | @wholeparent
More dating posts:
You can find all of my books on AMAZON.
