Whew, sometimes online dating can be like a hurricane, and other times like a 6-month drought.
When sex enters a relationship everything changes and your thinking is going to be challenged for 6 months to a year.
Online Connections CAN Ignight Quickly, But BEWARE
For obvious reasons the names, dates, and apps/websites have been changed to protect the beautiful woman who came out of the darkness of online dating to storm into my consciousness, only to completely blow herself up on the evidence of a 1-hr Zoom call, a flurry of texts, and a single poem (never published).
Connections with energy within the online dating universe are rare. Energetic connections with a person of mutual attraction, education, lifestyle, and financial solvency are even more rare. And then to have a YES conversation from interaction number one, well, those things don’t happen very often at all. And here’s the bummer about when they DO: 90% of super-heated connections on dating apps or sites are bullshit. Either YOU (meaning me) or the OTHER PERSON is insane. Too desperate. Too happy. Too enthusiastic. Or they may come on as all AMAZING and then blow up when the conversation tips over their I’M SUPER SOLID AND READY FOR YOU, mindset.
Here’s the sequence of events.
- connected in online dating to a woman in my age range and meeting several of my criteria
- had a nice text exchange
- had a 1-hr zoom call that left us both high and exhausted (RED FLAG #1)
- had a new flurry of texts
- she asked me to slow my roll (this is less than 24 hours from our initial contact)
- i agreed
- scheduled another zoom call for days later with no contact between that time
- i agreed
- next convo was phone not zoom and she was letting me know she was not ready for the fire I was bringing
Too bad. And THANK GOODNESS. Let me explain.
My approach to LOVE SEEKING:
- Find a potential partner
- Listen to what they are saying, watch how they are reacting to you and any messages or calls you do
- If there’s a YES, go directly to in-person when possible.
- If there’s a YES after the first in-person, schedule the next date.
- Keep sex off the table for a cooling-off period. (Once sex is introduced all bets are off.)
- Move to STAGE TWO Dating
- At any time along the path, pay attention to red flags, gut warnings, random behavior, or confessions that seem either too good to be true or too off the wall to be sane.
- Count the red flags.
- At TWO, bolt. Detach. Unfriend. Block. Delete text chain and block.
Result: they are insane and spending any more time with them is a TOTAL FAILURE.
Super-Connected vs Super-Heated
Sexual chemistry and hyper-momentum is often a sign of unconscious or unhealed trauma. If you or your new friend are ready to jump into bed within the first few encounters, please pause and step back.
THE HOT HOT HEAT TEST:
Ask yourself several questions.
- Who does this person remind me of? (Am I mapping to a past relationship in a way that is blinding or binding me?)
- Are they too good to be true? (Probably lying or inflating their truths.)
- Why am I heating up so quickly sexually? (Go cool off on your own. This is not the way to a lasting relationship.)
When Things Move Too Fast
I love the exhilaration of new love. Adding sex into that swirl of chemical excitement is an emotional recipe for disaster in my experience. If you’re really hot for someone look at your Hendrix data (books listed below) and figure out what is causing you to catch fire. And then make a commitment with the person, “We’re not going to have sex for several weeks.”
When sex enters a relationship everything changes and your thinking is going to be challenged for 6 months to a year. Don’t trust your thoughts during this period. Don’t make any big decisions together. If you get to two red flags, again, BOLT.
Back to My Experience
This woman self-emolliated. She was on fire. She burned brightly. Confessed to a whole host of personal struggles and issues, and then poof, she blew herself up. Absolutely got herself blocked (not reported) on all platforms including iPhone. No contact with a firestarter is the only path forward once they have gone rogue.
As a certified life coach, I’ve been helping men and women find fulfilling relationships. If you’d like to chat for 30-minutes about your post-divorce challenges, I always give the first 30-session away for free. LEARN ABOUT COACHING WITH JOHN. There are no obligations to continue. But I get excited every time I talk to someone new. I can offer new perspectives and experiences from my post-divorce journey. Most of all, I can offer hope.
photo: john and kids in nyc, 2018
- Dating Again After Divorce – the archives
- What Do We Learn When Things Fall Apart?
- Is Someone Getting the Best of You?
- Dear Love, I Want Everything Right Now
- Online Dating Update: Breathe It All In, Love It All Out
- Real Love, The Art of Mindful Connection – Salzberg
- Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships – Baer
- Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples – Hendrix
- Keeping the Love You Find: A Guide for Singles – Hendrix
- Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love – Levine
- Single Dad Seeks: Dating Again After Divorce: Advice and Strategies on Learning How to be Loved Again
- Fall of the House of Dad: My journey through divorce, from loss to joy, again and again
- A Good Dad’s Guide to Divorce: One father’s quest to stay connected with his children
- The Sex Index: Getting Our Love Languages Right in the Bedroom
- Here Comes the Darkness: Surviving and Thriving After a Mental Illness Diagnosis
- The Third Glass: When Drinking Becomes an Issue
- The Storm Before the Divorce: When One Parent Wants Out, That’s the End