Tag Archives: new dating

Online Dating Optimized – The Next Chapter of Dating After Divorce

Since October 27th, 2017, things have been quiet here. That is not because nothing has been happening, quite the opposite, in fact. In a seemingly random and brutal series of events my life began a transformative reorientation. I was praying as hard as I could. I was working an entry-level job (that I loved by the way) at a local specialty grocery store, and… horror of all horrors was/am living with my 85 yo mom. No pity party here, however, this dark night of the soul has caused me to delve even deeper into my childhood trauma and ask even harder questions of myself and my therapists.

Then came February 1st, 2018. Everything changed. On that day I discontinued using seemingly benign sleeping med and woke up from some kind of 3-month emotional coma. While this drug was somewhat euphoric at night, it led to the absolute lack of any joy throughout the following day. I was honestly living from sleeping pill to sleeping pill and working a thankless job in a tragi-comedy fable about the son who failed to launch, launched and failed to launch again. and a mom who kept taking him back in. Something out of Homer’s Oddessy wouldn’t be more epically difficult.

All that to say, my experience with online dating apps Match and OkCupid were getting a little lackluster so I threw caution to the wind and kerosene on the “boost” options of both Tinder and Bumble and … well, metaphorical hell broke loose. I’m here to say, on the last day of February, that the fires have not died down, they have merely scorched away all the remnants of the me I used to be before my breakdown/breakup following a three-year relationship and engagement.

Welcome to Online Dating Optimization 2.0 – the series.

I’m ready to tell the tales of the last 4 months. I’m ready to catch you up with today and what’s happening with my friendly ongoing chats with 2 – 3 women and why I deleted all of my dating profiles yesterday. It’s an exciting and somewhat manic story. I hope you learn something right along with me, as I unfold what it means to be a conscious dater in 2018.

Always Love,

John McElhenney

get even more of the dating story:

online dating, dating apps

Single Dad, Again

I did not ever think I’d write this post. I was certain I had found my forever mate. But somethings are not meant to be, and the best is yet to come. I won’t say much about it, in respect of my partner who I still love deeply, but I think if you read the last 30 posts or so you might catch a theme of what wasn’t working, for me. Anyway…

I want to talk about online dating for a minute. Gross, I know. I’m very discouraged to even be in this place again after so much bliss, but it is what it is.

Here’s the thing. Online dating is a pure numbers game. Regardless of what site or app you are using here are the stats, in my opinion. About 80% of the women will be out right away for various reasons. Then 10% of the remaining women are so cute that you’re unlikely to ever catch their attention. So then you’re working with about 10% of the total. And the percentage that might be a match from that smaller subset is about 2%. That’s my experience. And it’s not all bad, but the numbers are stacked against you. And if your profile pics don’t tell a happy and honest story about you, well, you’ll understand what I mean when you look inside the apps.

So… If 2% of the women in all of online dating are potentially interested in exploring options with me, why would I stay on one site only. Surely there are different people on different sites, right? Right. And if it’s a numbers game, why wouldn’t I go ahead and put myself on all of the top 4? I did and you should if you’re serious about looking for your next relationship. Here are my top 4 dating sites/apps ranked in order from best to worst.

  1. OKCupid – smaller pool but the questions are a great way to understand more about the person.
  2. Match – a bigger pool, but has a lot of scammers.
  3. Bumble – a simple app that puts the woman in charge of initiating a conversation.
  4. Tender – not so much luck on this one, but still on it.

In the week that I’ve been on the sites here are my results.

OKC – I’m currently chatting with 4 women. I’ve only met one of them and we happened to know each other from high school.

Match.com – I’m chatting with 2 women here. But there’s a lot less bio information available.

Bumble – Only one woman has contacted me, but she dropped off the map as soon as I suggested coffee.

Tender – zero.

Now, I’m not in a hurry to get back into a long-term relationship, but it takes a lot of time to get anything started, and harder still to find that person that intrigues you and is intrigued by you. So I fired them up all at once, to widen my pool.

The bonus that happens right away, as soon as you get a touchback from someone is the idea of potential. When my relationship ended I was devastated and certain I would never find another person so perfect for me. But as soon as a cute woman responded to me, I had a glimmer of hope. It’s worth it just for that. And now I have several women in conversation. And I even played tennis yesterday with a woman from Match. And it was AMAZING.

So, if you’re single, go ahead and put your best foot forward and get out there. Getting to a relationship may take months, so you might as well start exploring the field. And if you see the 10% as potentials then you begin to get hopeful that there “might” be someone out there for you.

Oh, btw, there is. Good luck.

Always Love,

John McElhenney

image: creative commons usage – https://goo.gl/images/JAcr1K