There is no one here to save you. There is no one who is going to show up and make things better. It’s you, that has to show up. It’s you that has to take action. Now. Today. Everyday.
So as I speed away from another "potential" I am trying to be aware of the great things I learned. And most of all, I hope to make use of the momentum her gravity and ultimate slingshot has provided for the path ahead.
We're all on this journey alone. No matter how many loving family members or supportive friends are around us, it is our decision that keeps us walking past the open window.
And for a long period I was mute. Waiting. Searching for the strength to write again and the courage to write about what was happening, that wasn't so positive.
I do recover. I am conscious of when I'm avoiding. I still do it, but I'm doing it less. And I'm learning to take the uncomfortable feelings or worry by the horns and looking the damn bull in the eye and saying, "To hell with you, fear, I'm going in!"
My most recent bouts of depression were triggered by my divorce, but it's a lifelong journey for me. I can drink. I can stop drinking. But I'm not sure how good I am at getting sad and not turning on the sadness fire hose at the first sign of things going off.
As I was catastrophizing in the last few months, one of the things I was soooo sad about was losing her, losing this wonderful relationship. She gave no indication that she was leaving.
If drinking is a little like Ambien, I do understand the draw towards daily drinking. It's not for me either, never has been, but daily Ambien, I could see how I might enjoy that if not for the side effects that it kills my hopeful attitude the next day and has me making promises my actually emotional state won't let me fulfill.