Let’s clarify a few things about the SPO right off the bat.
- The Standard Possession Order (SPO) is convenient for the courts because it’s simple and already been litigated repeatedly.
- The SPO is not even close to 50/50 parenting (though you may hear otherwise – more on this later)
- The real deal of the SPO is money is traded for time
While at first, you might fight the SPO, if you are a dad and looking to lose a good deal of contact with your children. And for the first few years, while my kids were younger, I was pretty sad that I had accepted the SPO-as-a-given and not fought for a real 50/50 solution. Today my thoughts about it, four years in, are mixed, but I have some updated information that might help others facing the same decision or fight.
Today I see the trade with my ex-wife as a simple money for time exchange. For the money (child support) she bears the bulk of the mundane–getting them ready for school in the morning–tasks. And my advantages are pretty good, considering I don’t see them as much as I would like to.
A few highlights:
- I usually get the kids ready for school 6 days a month. 4 of those days are Fridays. It’s easy to motivate with “Hey, It’s Friday.”
- I do get a substantial amount of time to go about my own business. While in the early stages of divorce this is the “rough time,” as you get more healed, it becomes abundant “me” time.
- If we were both having to pay for after-school child care, she would also be shouldering the bulk of the expense, since most of my time is on Saturday and Sunday.
As a trade for the money, the other partner is supposed to take care of clothing and supplies. And for the most part, doctor and dentist visits will happen during their extended kid-time.
A few lowlights:
The hardest part is missing your kids. Not having access to them every night to tuck them in, hear about their day, whatever.
- Child support is a lot of money. It usually works out to 29% of your take-home pay. And that doesn’t cover any of the things that you will be paying for when your kids are with you.
- In the SPO the imbalance in time is brought closer by giving the non-custodial parent (NCO) a full month during the summer. (I assume this is for NCO’s who live in a different city.) The lie is, if you are working, there is no way you are going to take on an entire month. If you had to pay for childcare the entire time you were working it would be expensive. And full-time parents would typically have a two-weeks vacation. So you do the math.
- On the off week, the NCO gets the kids for one night. This is a pain for everyone. Less than the pain of not seeing them at all, but doing the house shuffle for one night is hard. Better than nothing, but not ideal.
If I had it to do all over again, I’d probably argue with the counselor and my ex-wife and negotiate something a bit more even. You will be advised not to do this. “It’s easier for everyone if you just accept this plan, it’s been working for families for years.” And they might even tell you, “If you go to court, the mom usually gets the SPO to start with, unless there are extenuating circumstances.” And what they mean by that, is unless you are ready to fight.
Once you have agreed to the SPO and the amount of child support (a fixed percentage of your estimated income) it is very hard to change it. To change the child support amount requires basically hiring an attorney and suing your ex. To change the schedule might be easier if you and your ex-partner are on speaking terms.
And here’s the final part of the SPO that seems problematic.
As the NCO, I am ALWAYS craving more time with my kids. Given the request to take them for another night, an extra say, or a random weekend, I almost always say yes. I don’t get enough time with my kids. On the other hand, I occasionally get the feeling, and no slam against my their mom, that she would love to have me take them for more time.
So now that they’re older, the negotiations, at least between us, can me more about what we want. Other than the money, we can negotiate pretty well on schedules. And I’ve even taken them for an extra day on my off weeks. A win for me (more time) and a win for her (more time with her boyfriend). It’s odd to me, but that’s probably because I don’t have a significant other who I’d rather be spending time with. In fact, I gave up my Friday nights to pick up the extra day.
My priority is my kids. I cannot speak for hers.
- Avoiding Post-Divorce Holiday Depression: Notes from a Dad with the No-Kid Blues
- Giving Your Co-parent a Break
- Loss of the Proximity Effect as a Divorced Dad
- Rebuilding Myself Into the Person I Was Before We Married
- Finding Balance In the Inequitable Life After Divorce
- Moving from Parenting To Co-parenting: Joining Together In Divorce
Here are a few of my books on Amazon:
- Single Dad Seeks: Dating Again After Divorce: Advice and Strategies on Learning How to be Loved Again
- Fall of the House of Dad: My journey through divorce, from loss to joy, again and again
- A Good Dad’s Guide to Divorce: One father’s quest to stay connected with his children
- The Sex Index: Getting Our Love Languages Right in the Bedroom
- Here Comes the Darkness: Surviving and Thriving After a Mental Illness Diagnosis
- The Third Glass: When Drinking Becomes an Issue
- The Storm Before the Divorce: When One Parent Wants Out, That’s the End
- Dating 2.0: Aiming for the Love of Your Life
image: dad’s car, creative common usage