The SPO, or Standard Possession Order is what 90% of most co-parents will agree to. It’s not 50/50, but over time, the courts have determined it is the easiest schedule for fractured families to adhere to. I’m not always sure I shouldn’t have fought a little bit for something more equitable, but this is what we’ve got.
In my little universe, within the SPO and non-custodial parent role, I have ONE DAY every week that is MINE. Thursdays are my unofficial New Father’s Day. Your parenting plan with your co-parent may assign that day on a different day of the week, but Thursdays are my day.
Even on the off weeks, like tonight, when I only have my kids this one night before surrendering them back to the care of their mom, even on these single nights, it feels like a holiday for me. I’m not sure how it feels to the kids, since most of their time is spent at their mom’s, the marital home, their real rooms.
The one thing I am certain of, is Thursday is my favorite day of the week, every week. And one of the positive benefits of this schedule is when they come to my house, I am always 100% excited to see them. I laugh with them. Joke with them in ways only a dorky father does. And I bring my own perspective on life into their lives. We have a good time.
There is nothing mundane. No time with my kids is ever taken for granted. If I have been given one thing by the divorce it is the raised awareness that every night, every moment with my kids is sacred.
So, I declare a NEW Father’s day. Not one founded on marketing or advertising promotions, but one that focuses on the primary day of the week when Dads are reunited with their kids. Cherish it, cherish the time you do have with them, and make the most of your interactions with them. Let them know how special they are, and how happy you are to see them. Over and over again.
Always Love,
John McElhenney
@wholeparent
More from The Whole Parent:
- What the Single Dad Wants – 9 Months Later (an update)
- The Three Essential Elements of Love
- In Relationship with a Divorced Dad: Ground Rules
- A
SingleDad In Love, Again - Dating a Divorced Dad – Version 2.0 Updated
Resources:
- The Divorce Library (reading list)
- Songs of Divorce (free listening library – youtube sourced songs)
- Facebook (follow us on Facebook and keep up with all the conversations)
- The 5 Love Languages (a book on love styles by Gary Chapman)
.Father’s Day, What Father’s Day ? ……..
How Parental Alienation Effects Father’s Today
……………..By Joseph Goldberg, 2012…………………
.
.
This is an important article for Grandfathers as
well as for fathers.
.
I am spoofing the title of this article from a good
friend of mine, Chaim Steinberger. He wrote a very
insightful and brilliant journal article on Parental
Alienation that he called, “ Father, What Father ? “
.
I decided to write about this holiday because many
father’s will be hurting when it arrives. They won’t
be getting to see their child or receive a call or any
cards or any other acknowledgement because their
children are alienated and that means come Sunday
they’ll be rejected for very unjustified reasons.
.
For some dad’s who will be waiting to see their kid
because a court order forces them to go, don’t be
surprised when they show up- only to tell you they
don’t want to be with you or only to say,” I hate
you “… don’t expect them to change,,, that’s why its
called a parental alienation dynamic.
.
I am writing my article just for fathers and for
grandfathers, but the rest of you will hopefully
also appreciate the message.
.
You know the old saying, “ Silence is deafening. “
Well it’s deafening for a reason, and as another old
saying goes, “ Everything happens for a reason. “
Even though you may not be getting their affection
on Sunday, it doesn’t mean your child isn’t at least
thinking of you, and because they are alienated and
unable to express to you that you’re not forgotten …
and that they do love you, let me be the first one to
remind you of that fact. Your kids do love you, and
you’re not forgotten because Sunday, is also a very
painful holiday reminder for them.
.
It’s painful to them to be without you because every-
where they go and see a father with his son or, with
his daughter; laughing, hugging, or kissing, smiling
at each other, going out to lunch together, to dinners
or a movie, driving together, talking on a cell phone,
texting, meeting up somewhere, it reminds them
that it’s also not them being with you.
.
Every time they turn on their TV that day, flip open
their computer, listen to the radio, they will hear
that it’s Father’s Day, and every time they pass by
a store there will be an item for sale saying it’s
Father’s Day, and they didn’t get you your present.
They didn’t get to say, “ you’re my dad “ and then
the words, `” I love you. “ They’ll try and block it
out but how do you block out the sky, the ground
below…. how do you erase the touch on your skin
or what you feel deep in your bones ? It’s a psycho-
logical skeleton.
.
Denial is a fixated condition for alienated
children, so is breathing. Memories of love for
father are never really erased they’re just
buried below the surface and those memories
will resurface on this Sunday, Father’s Day.
.
Take comfort in the fact that your picture may
not be in a frame next to their bed or on the wall
in their mom’s house, but they are not deleted
from their memory. It is also hard to ignore
mother trying to pretend how much better off
they are without you, while the look on her face
also reminds them she can’t be the father they’re
missing out on today.
.
No matter what stepfather tries to take your
place after you got replaced, displaced and
erased, nothing is ever going to hold back their
feelings of loss because they’re connected to
their father when they see themselves in a
mirror. Some likeness of you is something in
their DNA that they can see in their own face.
.
Not only are there painful memories there
are probably more than a few good ones.
Like the time you took them to a show, or
watched them at a school performance,
or played some game with them, played
with your pet, took them to visit your
parents, cooked a meal for them, these
memories are also resurfacing around them.
.
Imagine how it must feel for them to watch
their friends getting together with their dads
and how they have to explain or avoid talk-
ing about you not being around on Father’s
Day. Imagine anyone else trying to act as a
substitute for the father they are missing in
their lives and never saying,
.
“ Why don’t you call your dad today ? “
.
How is their behaviour going to be memorial-
ized in the future ?
.
Father’s Day, is something I feel long after my
own father has passed away. You don’t have
to actually be around to be remembered and
to be loved. I don’t need to feel bad about the
father’s day I am not spending with him this
Sunday, I will be thinking about all the good
times with my dad and I know that your child-
ren might want you to believe that they don’t
love you back, but that’s just denial talking.
.
You’re as much a part of their life as you
have ever been ( even more so ) and not
because of being present, but because
of being absent. Believe it because we
know from all the social science research
that this is truly how alienated children
are feeling.
.
I feel my father is with me now even though
he passed more than 15 years ago. I was
alienated from him by a mother that
extinguished him from my life, but not
forever. We made up for all the lost time
and years of alienation that was stolen from
us both.
.
In the Jewish religion when a loved parent
dies we say prayers, Kaddish, and we light a
candle in memory of the parent. Perhaps as
a way to remember that you are still a
parent you should light a candle and keep
it burning all day, on Father’s Day.
.
Say a prayer of love, memorialize your
feelings of loss and perhaps to help be
forgiving so anger does not take over
the better part of judgment in your life.
.
As a targeted, rejected parent remember the
good parts of the person you are and remain
and strive to lift yourself up, don’t let any-
thing change that belief in your-self because
sometimes all we have is ourselves to believe
in, and in truth that’s the one person whose
opinion counts the most.
.
For more educational information please visit
http://www.ParentalAlienation.ca
http://www.ParentalAlienationEducation.com