Diffusing Fire from the Ex: Never You Mind

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Why does my ex-wife still have anger issues with me?

As I see it, she has no justified reason to be angry with me:

She got the divorce she asked for
She got the majority of time with the kids
She got the house
She got the child support
But I guess she never got happy as a result of divorcing me

Why is she still angry? (In my mind.)

Because I’m happy
Because things didn’t work out as she planned
The greener grass has died
Her happier ever after isn’t all that happy

It’s a funny thing, this animosity between ex-partners and co-parents. How do you co-parent when your ex is unhappy all the time? Do you simply “rise above it” as I have tried to do, ignoring their barbs and jabs? Do you try to make things better by asking questions? Can you be detached from your ex-partner and still attached to your kids?

The answer is: sorta.

While it’s a process, you can detach from your ex completely. In my life, these days, there is nothing I need from her, no kindness I expect from her, and no “closure” I can get from any interaction with her. That’s good to know. And it gives me some distance from her vitriolic moods. However, I still hold on to anger around how I have been treated over the last 8 years since our divorce. Even though, I know, I cannot get any satisfaction from her. I actually need to work on my own anger and frustration. I am obviously holding on to some baggage. If I can’t let go, how can I fully show up for the new relationship in my life? The answer is, I can’t.

ACTION PLAN

I have to actively work on letting go of my anger towards my ex-wife. I am whining. I am complaining. I am holding on to a lot of energy about her behavior. And I simply should not care. If I were “over it” I could laugh at her shenanigans. I can’t. Her anger frustrates the hell out of me.

My kids are more important than any unfinished business I still have with my ex-wife. And this new relationship I am starting is certainly more important and deserves the energy and attention I’m wasting on my ex. When I really let go of my anger at my ex-wife I will have a new level of satisfaction and joy. It’s a process. A process that I will not complete tomorrow or next week. But a process that continues as I continue CHOOSING THE POSITIVE in every interaction with her.

HEAR THIS

Your kids are the most important thing in your life.
Your ex is history.
Turn anger and hurt into energy to strengthen the relationships you have with your kids.
Let go of everything else.
Renew your love and openness with a new relationship.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

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image: Peter r, creative commons usage

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