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How a Secure Attachment Looks and Feels in a Love Relationship

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There are three types of attachment when we are talking about intimate relationships.

  1. Secure attachment
  2. Insecure attachment
  3. Unattached

Let’s look at how a securely attached male walks in the world.

A Securely Attached Man

A few days ago, I was sitting in a pool on the 4th of July watching the family festivities and revery in anticipation of the evening of fireworks. I was fascinated by the variety of women walking around the pool. Some had kids in tow, some seemed like there were inviting attention, and some were just doing their thing, oblivious to their influence on the men in and out of the pool.

I was feeling securely attached as I sat next to my girlfriend and watch the attractive women passing by. I had a moment of fantasy. Let’s say a row of beautiful women were lined up on the edge of the pool looking beautiful, available, and interested in me. (Great fantasy, right?) As I contemplated my smorgasbord of opportunity, I noticed how uninterested I was in “relationship” opportunities with this fantastic lineup. In my mind, Julia Roberts approached me, looking fantastic, and she asked me if I wanted to go grab a beer somewhere else.

The securely attached male would appreciate Julia Roberts and graciously decline her adventurous offer.

The insecurely attached male would start contemplating options for how to have both their current relationship and some future, potential, relationship with Julia Roberts.

The unattached male would offer to drive.

As I walk in the world, an attached and happy man, I am appreciative of beautiful women. I can still have the internal sigh, at seeing a 30-ish mom with a small child and voluptuous curves and charm. I can a smile at the 20-ish athletic beauty who is flaunting herself in a neon string bikini. I can wax poetic about the women in my age group who are expressing their joy and happiness in their lives and their bodies.

As a man who is in a happy and secure relationship, I am free to browse. But the browsing, in my case, never connects with my physical desire to pursue these women of different ages and levels of beauty. I am “all in” with my relationship. I wouldn’t give Julia Roberts the opportunity to come between us even if she drove up in a Tesla, opened the door, and beckoned me in. There just no amount of beauty or sexual energy that would drive me to threaten my current love relationship.

I am securely attached. And that security comes from my own sense of confidence and connection. I am happier when I am in a relationship. My body is happier. My soul is glowing with the connection I feel to another human being. And my needs are being met on all levels, as we align ourselves and tune into each other’s lives.

What A Securely Attached Relationship Feels Like

A securely attached person is satisfied with what they have. The security comes from trust, open communication, and compatibility. And from there, the relationship will thrive or dive based on each partner’s willingness to continue putting attention and energy into building connection and trust. When that trust is lost, the relationship cannot last. Each partner becomes either insecurely attached (meaning they are still in the relationship and terrified of losing it) or unattached (looking for the next pretty woman, or opportunity to trade up.)

Build a secure relationship. Attach well. And spend your energy and time courting and supporting the other person, rather than hunting all the Julia Roberts-esque women passing nearby.


John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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