My ex-wife played an antagonizing role in my divorce. We cooperated until she decided she no longer wanted to abide by our 50/50 shared parenting agreement. She took the assh*le option, lying to herself about “the better parent” concept, but she knew it was a lie. She didn’t have to go adverse, but two years in, she turned our “case” over to the Attorney General’s Office for collections. I was one week late. I explained about my job losing a major client, and how I would catch up. She took the opportunity to hurt me.

She didn’t need the money. Her mortgage was not at risk. She filed the “deadbeat mom” complaint.

Maybe she didn’t like how I’d recovered. Or that my kids were telling her to be more like me when waking them up for school. Maybe she was unhappy with her choice. Whatever her reasons, she pulled the biggest dick move she would think of. A pound of flesh that would keep on cutting for ten years, as my daughter was 8 at the time of the divorce. Again, I can’t understand how someone would file against their co-parent, in a way that would damage their ability to get a job, rent an apartment, buy a car. She did it from her position of power. She got the house. She was getting regular payments that covered the mortgage. All she had to do was cover the rest of the stuff. Why go after the parent of your children?

We know, from experience, that the animosity didn’t start at two years in. When she violated our initial agreement of shared parenting, she was doing what was best for her. She could tell herself it was best for the children, but she would’ve known that was a lie. I was the heart and love language of the family. I got everyone up on school mornings, made breakfast, and drove the carpool. I was almost never late. After the divorce, the mornings quickly became a problem for my ex-wife. So much so, that my son asked if she would do a better job at getting them up and fed before school. I’m sure that infuriated her.

But she had an anger problem already. Much of her reasoning behind the divorce was based on her anger and blame. Somehow, I was the reason she was unhappy. We know that’s not how happiness works. She’s still not happy. Remarried for longer than we were married, and she’s as mad as a hornet all the time. Perhaps a less energetic stinger, but she’s got little left to fight about.

As my son struggled with college, drugs, and mental health, we all got to see where the support and rational thinking was coming from. My ex-wife has nearly decompensated. Her divergent husband is now the voice of reason. He keeps saying things like, “It’s really good to get to know you…” Yeah, fk that.

There is no reason for a parent to attack the other parent. That anger and vindictiveness is part of her story. I suppose I was too in love to see it during the courting phases. And soon enough, I was in love/lust passion. I knew she had lied to me at the outset of our recent recoupling. I knew she lied during our marriage. But now, she cannot escape the damage she’s done to herself and to my son. He struggles for a masculine role model. As I was demoted in his life before he was ten, he had only his mom’s energy and enthusiasms to go on. I’m sure, she was no fan of mine. So, he got a skewed and negative narrative about his dad from the beginning of the divorce.

And, boys to often choose their mom in the divorce. So he’s a mama’s boy. That’s no shame. But undermining the real father in his life was a tragic mistake that may have contributed to his current malaise.

I paint myself as a hero, but I’m just a father. A caring father who has been fighting to stay in his kid’s lives since the divorce. For whatever reasons and fears she imagined, their mom antagonized me, attacked me, and violated our sacred trust. I will never trust her again. Now, that the shit has hit the fan, with my son, they are grateful for my participation. Fk. I’m doing it all. They were checked out the entire summer. Hoping for a radical shift in my son’s mood and trajectory by what…?

Giving him more time in an AirBNB alone? Stupid stupid move. One I had little sway over. Then as my son devolved even further, they are both “so grateful at how you’ve handled this.” Well, fuck if we could’ve avoided months of this suffering on all sides if you two would’ve just gotten with the plan instead of protecting your own addictions.

Yes, they don’t like the 12-step program. No wonder! There is no place for addiction in my son’s future. I guess, if you continue to use you are making a choice about your future with my son. Hide the drugs is not the right response. There are no drugs in this house, is the only true path for a family in recovery. They can’t do that. Ever. Well, fk.

I’m no hero. I’m bitching and moaning. Writing my own “Beautiful Boy” narrative. They are still amazed by things like the “Three C’s of Recovery.” You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it. His mom and her husband are fascinated by the idea of recovery. “I have a friend who…” is often her husband’s first join in many conversations.

“No, it’s YOU TOO.”

I don’t say anything. At this moment, cooperation and co-parenting with two deadbeat parents is the only hope my son has. Well, for our part. The lion’s share of the work is up to him. The only real work for me, today, is to take care of my own recovery, my own addictive tendencies, my own spiritual, emotional, and physical relationships. And prayer. A good bit of prayer.

God, grant me the serentiy
To accept the things I cannot change (the past)
The courage to change the things I can (the future)
And the wisdom to know the difference. (the life lesson)

Namasté,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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• Opening to the Infinite Possibilities of Being Alone
• YES or NO: The Life Lesson of the 12-Steps
• Back to Single as a Relationship Status

You can find all of my books on AMAZON.