Evolve Or Fade: Relationships Must Be Growth-Minded

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A relationship is a fragile thing. As issues come up, both partners have opportunities to ask for changes, suggest fixes, and alter their behavior. It’s what life and love is all about. We change. We grow.

Making An Effort

If you have a growth mindset, you do not wait for things to get better, you make an effort to change things. Some things you can change. Yourself and your behaviors. Most things you cannot change: the past, other’s behavior, future events.

Occasionally, people get stuck in a mode of anxiety that keeps them from moving forward. They fear change. They worry about elections. They have regrets that continue to harass them. What we want in a partner, at this stage of our life, is someone who’s primarily living in the present without ghosts or skeletons of their past.

When there is a mismatch a growth-minded person dives into the data, the research, and the options. A person who is less inclined might hope for the best and wait for things to get better. Hint: things don’t get better without effort.

People do what they want. They change if they want something bad enough. They refuse to change when they get afraid, stubborn, or depressed. In a loving partnership, these modes are okay temporarily. If my partner is afraid about finances, that’s okay, it’s real. If they worry but do nothing to improve their situation, they might be stuck in some trauma or experience from their past. They can’t see past the current moment of stress, in fact, they are overwhelmed by the feelings coming up which makes it harder to reset.

Evolving Apart

In a past relationship, I played an evolving role. My partner, while lovely and seemingly engaged, was stuck in some old loops of sadness and loss. When sitting alone in a room I could see the sadness on her face. I wanted to help. I also, knew that I could not help. I could provide support, a shoulder, and comfort, but I was powerless to fix or diagnose what was troubling her. I could see it. I could almost taste it. And I stayed in my lane and hoped for some evolution.

As the disconnects began to pile up, I asked for some changes. A few disagreements led to more unrest. I was minding my own business, talking to my therapist, reading books about my own issues, writing about my personal struggles. I was working with my creative and logical mind to come up with new ideas. For me. That’s all I can focus on. I could not focus on the other person. I could not WAIT for her to change.

If you wait for someone else to change you are going to be disappointed.

I suggested books. Left them at her house. I tried talking about my feelings, my wants, and what wasn’t working. I asked for some variations. I stayed out of her business. I do not give unsolicited advice. So, I didn’t “coach” her either.

What I wanted was for her to take ownership of her own dysfunction and depression. What I wanted was for her to show up as a 100% available partner. I wanted an equal. I wanted someone who was also curious and evolving. I know… I’m a demanding partner.

Some of the solution-seeking caused even more discord. A book, suggested by her initial therapy session, offered some ideas for rebalancing our sexual desire. However, the issue was not sexual desire. Perhaps, sexual awareness. Sexual liberation. Sexual consciousness. Something sexual was not aligned.

I was not pushing this over on her plate. I took my own issues, my own desires, my own time and attention, and resolved to work harder, to be more open, and more expressive about my own sexual needs. She vowed to do the same.

Something different happened. She got quiet. Our talk about encouraging sexual signals caused her to withdraw more. Maybe it was me? I kept asking. I kept trying new things. Providing new ideas for playful initiation. Something else was underneath the imbalance. Something she didn’t have the time or the energy to investigate.

Emotional Intelligence is Not Easy

I know, it is hard. Emotional work is hard. When you’re working all day the idea of a therapy appointment can be frustrating. For me, with my therapist, the conversations were hopeful. “Don’t jump to conclusions,” my therapist would say. “Ask for what you want, and give it some time. Let her respond. Don’t force it.”

As the months ticked on, I waited. I also asked for my needs to be met. I was clear about the difference between what I wanted and what I needed. I wanted a sexually expressive partner. I needed for her to grow beyond the hurt and past pains so she could join me in the love of the present.

People can become stuck in the past. Recycling regrets, losses, failures. Part of our jobs as adults is to jettison most of our “issues” and find healthier ways of dealing with loss and stress.

With me, I am always going to be going for good, better, best. I am aiming for a healthy balance in my relationship. When things get out of balance, I start to evolve. In the beginning, I was asking my partner to evolve with me, like inviting her to learn Salsa dancing with me. I will put my hand up for the dance, I will lead. If you don’t want to dance or if you are too tired and stressed out to dance, there’s eventually going to be a problem.

I want my partner healthy and vibrant. When there are disturbances in our connection I expect my partner to take action to recalibrate. I know I do. I will do cartwheels trying to figure out what might jolt us, her, out of the ennui of some struggle I could not identify nor fight. I only had the love of my partner, and my ability to be flexible, understanding, and patient.

After a while, however, patience is not enough. Good is not enough. Functional sex is not enough.

I’ll admit it, I am an aspiring romantic. I do believe in love ever after, but both partners must be growth-minded, and ready to evolve together. I never pointed the finger at my partner for the mismatch. I owned the 50/50 participation in our relationship. I also asked for some growth or evolution.

Unsustainable

In the end, where our relationship went was unsustainable. Neither of us was ecstatic. Yes, we had found a securely attached and available partner. That was amazing. But, there’s more to it.

I want a partner who is unafraid to make changes, unafraid to try new things. As someone who is mostly happy in this present moment, I need another person who is also mindful of the moment, and not caught up processing past hurts, or worrying about future events. IT IS RIGHT NOW. WE ARE NOW.

Uncoupled, I am back in my happy place. Alone. Content. Ready for a new adventure, at some point. For now, I’ll put a bit more attention on my rescue cats, Sid and Hunter. She was allergic, so I’d been putting adoption off indefinitely. I’m no longer waiting for things to change.

I am accepting things as they are at this moment. Hopeful and unafraid about the future.

Always Love,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas

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