What are your real relationship goals? In my conversation with Krysta Rosina the other day, she talked about her last 9 years of living. And as she prepares to cross into her 30’s she has set up an experience for herself, a birthday rite of passage.
What If We Are Seeking Something Different?
In our conversation (which is still on my mind), Krysta talked about her relationships. “I have relationships with several men. They all know my boundaries. They all love me for who I am. And they all support my lifestyle and work.” That sounded enticing. Hmm. “But, I’m hoping to find the one. I just don’t know what that looks like yet. I’m still exploring and it’s wonderful.” (I am paraphrasing from memory. Go LISTEN to her talk about it herself.)
As I compared notes during the podcast I muse about my path. I am seeking the same thing. THE ONE. And I have taken a slower, more conservative, path. I am in serial dating, serial monogamy, mode. BUT… And here is the $100k question: Am I missing out? Am I lowering my numerical odds by dating one person at a time? Again, it gave me pause. I’m not clear on what’s wrong with her path. But, I’m also not clear on the wisdom of my arduous climb towards what I’m calling my “healthy” relationship. I need to explore this idea.
What If We Are Okay With Casual Relationships?
I only recall one moment in my life when I was involved with more than one woman at a time. I was in college. One of the women lived nearby. I could walk to her apartment. She was mad sexy. And she was insane. Perhaps an emerging alcoholic, she was a Nierman-esqe, sex-positive (if that had been a thing back in the late ’80s) friend. I was in the process of breaking it off with her. But she kept showing up at my door, tipsy and looking for sex. 90% of the time I sent her away. Still, that was an open door.
The second woman was a new potential. She was a friend of a friend. She was not really my cup of tea, but… she too had created some shadow on the wall that beckoned me into a relationship. Nothing about this second woman was any more centered than the first one. And, in fact, she was really not a very fun person to hang with. So, what was I doing?
Skip forward to today. I am reflecting back on my past 11-years of “seeking” and I’m not sure my method is the most efficient. Perhaps I am being too conservative. As I was talking to Krysta, I said something like this.
“When the one arrives you will know. It’s a very powerful place you are in. You seem to be learning what is good for you, what nurtures you, and what your heart and soul longs for.”
But as I was saying this, I was curious if I was also talking to myself.
“My path is similar, but I’ve taken a slower path. I’ve experienced FIVE relationships so far, in 11-years. I’m in the middle of a 6th.”
I May Be Going Where You Cannot Follow
I’m not ready to open my world up to the extent that Krysta does, but hey, I’m exactly twice her age. So, I have different priorities.
However, the overarching priority is THE ONE. The BIG LOVE. What if my method just does not allow for enough opportunities to find my one? I won’t be asking my current partner to OPEN our relationship. That’s not what I want. That’s not in my experience. AND, I believe that my progress, though slower, is more evolutionary. In my last partnership, I WAS SO CLOSE. She blinked. I left. A third time. But I had a taste of what LOVE could look like. What BIG LOVE could feel like.
Turns out the MONDO connection was in the realm of sensuality and conscious connection. Just what Krysta is working on. She’s just going about it with multiple partners. AGAIN (dear GF) I’m not looking to head in this direction. I am, however, curious how that would work for people of my demographic? Are there others out there who are looking for THE BIG LOVE and willing to seek and be partners with more than one person at a time?
My guess is, it is my path, my priority to work on ONE PARTNER at 100% as long as the shining path forward is clear. When the waters begin to muddy, as the case with my previous partner, I was forced to make some decisions. Stay and wait for this person to evolve with me. OR, pay attention to my truth: If you are waiting for the other person to change, you need to move on. Or change your expectations and requirements.
I’m not ready to change my requirements nor my current path. I am open to the idea. What would it look like to maintain friendships with several women at once? Would I need to keep sex off the table? Or is that the point, as Krysta’s work affirms?
Paying Attention In Every Interaction
I know most of us are paying close attention to our partners. And I know there are a lot of signals that still get missed. There are disconnects. There are unmet requests. There are unexplored passions. And we keep moving forward. For me, as long as I see and embrace the belief that my partner is a lifetime partner, potentially, I will stay 100% focused in my own space with them.
I am learning more about being alone too. At the same time, I’m in an evolutionary relationship, I am evolving in my relationship to myself. I’m planning on doing this one differently. Not by opening the relationship up, but by maintaining my independence and autonomy as we sort our stuff. What this looks like: not moving in together, not planning a marriage, not leaping too far into the future plans. Just staying present.
Let’s see what emerges in our relationships while we are in them. Let’s make sure both partners are working their own stuff and paying attention to the needs of the WE. When that gets off, things begin to get fuzzy.
I want 100%. I won’t settle. Not even a little bit. And as I find new horizons and am introduced to new people, I will also not hesitate to befriend others. I’m clear. My boundaries are solid. And my love is bigger than sex, bigger than my kids, bigger than ONE RELATIONSHIP. Sure, I’m sexually exclusive and committed. AND, there’s so much more to life.
Even as I navigate life with my current lover, I am clear that change is a constant. And my macro strategy comes into play nicely:
There is absolutely no hurry.
You have all the time you need.
Spend time together.
Spend time apart.
Listen. Learn. And move forward.
Listen to Krysta’s Love on the Air chat on your favorite streaming platform.
How I Can Help
I am a relationship coach and a dating coach. I coach women in 1 x 1 zoom or facetime calls. I work in monthly blocks (4 sessions). We establish a relationship. I become your wingman in navigating and sorting through the bullshit of dating and relationships. If you are here, you’ve probably already read some of my opinions. If we’re a fit, we will both know on our first call.
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- Heading Into Love for Life OR Intoxicated by My Own Desire
- Sexual Fulfillment: I Don’t Know The Answer, Let’s Find Out Together
- There She Is, The Woman of My Dreams: Online Dating in the Matrix
- 5 Aspects of a Woman’s Desire for Sex: What Men Don’t Understand
Some Books from John McElhenney:
- Single Dad Seeks: Dating Again After Divorce: Advice and Strategies on Learning How to be Loved Again
- Fall of the House of Dad: My journey through divorce, from loss to joy, again and again
- The Third Glass: When Drinking Becomes An Issue
- A Good Dad’s Guide to Divorce: One father’s quest to stay connected with his children