Returning to my life today, there are so many moving parts, so many hyper-good moving parts, that my entire body, soul, mind, is a bit out of balance. I've been taking aggressive action to reestablish my calm center. But I've been pouring gasoline on the flames even as I'm trying to breathe and "take it easy."
My recovery focused on a lot of supportive activities and rituals. The Al-anon meetings provided a healthy and spiritual community for me to stay connected. My Al-anon sponsor continued to show up in my life as a guide and cheerleader.
Depression is truly a soul killer. And it might be a slippery slope towards suicide if we don't get a handle on it, both personally and as a society.
Some questions about touch, sex, and my emotional intelligence: Do I need a woman? Would I be okay alone? Why is it so hard on my core personality to be alone? Am I addicted to love, or physical touch?
I do believe I am enough. I am practicing mindfulness and self-care in a way that encourages my own inner confidence. And, in my real measure of attractiveness, I'm really joyful.
In a relationship that is not quite right, we (I am) are constantly on guard for things to begin going wrong. And either you work through those issues together or you don't. And if you don't you will be miserable trying to stay together. Better to move on.
If I am happy alone, creating and aspiring with all the time available to me. Perhaps, I need to look for another creative person, who has similar creative impulses.
The trick is breaking the cycle. My little death pony had me on his back and was telling me all kinds of lies about my failures, my upcoming failures, and my ultimate demise as a failure.