The main thing to remember as the divorce s-storm is heading your way is to take care of yourself. Like on the airplane when they say to put your mask on first and then your kid's masks. That's so you are conscious to be able to help them. Divorce is the same way. Take the time you need before jumping back into a relationship. Enjoy your freedom. Explore your alone time.
Finding joy in your life is a big part of the plan.
I believe we have set points, but not of happiness, of joy. I know that even in moments of extreme grief I can feel joy. Joy is a pursuit. Joy is either a focus of your attention or not. It’s kind of like being positive, but it’s different.
- A Radical Approach to Joy
- Big Love & the Tonic Effect of Being In a Nourishing Relationship
- Looking to Get a Little Higher: Seeking Elevation & Immortality
- In This Moment You Choose: Happy or Resentful
- Finding Myself and My Body, Again
- Setting Priorities in Life: The Only Path Forward
- Listening To Yourself About Craving, Loneliness, Longing
- This Very Moment… This Is It… Stop… Smell the Roses… Give Thanks.
- My Hierarchy of Needs Revisited: The Short List of Happiness
- Overwhelmed and Out of Balance: Finding Your Inner Chill
- The Company You Keep and Keeping Your Own Company
- Resilience, Self-Care, the Mindset of Joy in This Moment
Joy is different than happiness. Joy is part of our internal compass. You’ve got to find your own inner joy. It’s a big shift, this focus on inner joy and not outer happiness. I cannot control many of the aspects of my life. I am not always happy. But, I am learning to be always joyful.
I'm not all that good at dating yet. I mean, I don't really know how to BE. I try to be "myself" of course, but I'm too involved, too hyper, too talkative. I don't listen as well as I should. But the part of the problem, that I'm just beginning to understand, is my habit of projecting any "potential" relationship off into some imaginary future. What I mean is, I sometimes have a problem staying present.
In my joyous engagement I was missing something from her that I couldn't identify. I thought I was listening well, responding well, and behaving well. I thought we were moving things along nicely. But I could only make those assumptions about myself and my own thinking.
Spend time together. Keep checking in with each other and with yourself. "How does it feel?" Let the answer to that question guide your relationship decisions. And remember, kissing can lead to lovemaking, if you both want to head in that direction.
Here's a rough Radiohead cover song of All I Need.
From the joy comes an additive feature that I am looking to attract into my life. I am a meta-happy person. I can see the good in awful times and will work towards and keep striving towards solutions, knowing that my joyful optimism will prevail. But that is not always the case. So I hope to find another person who is also additive with their energy and happiness. AND they share the love language of touch.
As much as we wanted to remain in love and grow in love as parents, there were some fundamental shifts that happened in our lives and in our aspirations. What I learned from my first "touch" lover was that my needs for closeness are fundamental to my complete happiness.
The general mode of life with dad is positive and happy. I am *so* happy to have them on the days and nights I am afforded, that there is little room for complaints or nagging.