Finding joy in your life is a big part of the plan.
I believe we have set points, but not of happiness, of joy. I know that even in moments of extreme grief I can feel joy. Joy is a pursuit. Joy is either a focus of your attention or not. It’s kind of like being positive, but it’s different.
Joy is different than happiness. Joy is part of our internal compass. You’ve got to find your own inner joy. It’s a big shift, this focus on inner joy and not outer happiness. I cannot control many of the aspects of my life. I am not always happy. But, I am learning to be always joyful.
Divorce is not something you just "get over." And with kids, you never really get over it. I am learning to continuously forgive and forge ahead with my own life as a single dad.
Don't let any of your shit fester and darken your experience of life. Life is too short to be compromising with someone you don't love 100%. Oh, and it's your responsibility to love them at 100%. It is your intention and actions, for the rest of your life, that will determine the success of your next relationship.
Make a change or learn to be happy with what you have. Change is the only real choice of action. Be IN or OUT of your relationship, but don't nag and complain and then not take responsibility in your own life and your own participation in the relationship.
Today, I am accepting love on all levels. I am also attempting to hold another person's best interest above my own agenda or expectations. It's not easy, but this, I believe, is the magic trick of building a long-term loving relationship. The mom-kiss is a wonderful tool for breaking down some of our fears and barriers.
At this moment, I am winning. And, I can say with confidence, you will both survive and thrive as I have. Divorce is a major disaster, but it can also be the life-changing event that sets you free to be happier than you could've imagined.
I don't have to get it right, here, or anywhere. Somedays I'm angry about the divorce. Other days, I see how my ex-wife released me from her sphere of influence, and for this I am grateful.
We may not be able to do a hard left turn and stop some obsessive or destructive behavior just by declaring our new healthy path. BUT, we can get curious every time we find we're leaning towards the Frappucinos in our life.
Divorce is painful enough. Let's all share the pain equally and stop putting dads in the straightjacket of the SPO and the typical child support agreement.