Dear Lover, Now That You’ve Arrived We Can Begin
Not everything needs to be worked out all the time. And, for the most part, I can trigger unhappy feelings for you, but the deep sadness or anger you feel, is probably not because of me.
Divorce is a cruel storm. If we could see our ex-partners as humans rather than combatants, we could begin to heal the pain. We’re in this together, no matter how it turns out. Humans of Divorce are people who are doing their best in spite of the negative actions of their co-parent.
Not everything needs to be worked out all the time. And, for the most part, I can trigger unhappy feelings for you, but the deep sadness or anger you feel, is probably not because of me.
My motto for dealing with my ex-wife and her anger: Focus on your children. Love your children.
Let's do this TOGETHER. It's much easier if we're on the side of our kids and not against one another.
Now that they are mostly out of their mom's house they have a bit more autonomy of thought. And when she throws a shitty bomb in between us, we can usually identify the *bs* and choose to not bite.
I believe, 100% that my kids would've benefitted by having equal time with me after the divorce. They would've gotten a more balanced picture of life, struggles, and recovering from hard setbacks.
It's hard when you're on the receiving end of someone else's trigger. But we can get better at identifying our own triggers and triggered moments. And there are ways to help our partners notice when the rage or sadness that is coming out of them, might be a bit bigger or deeper than the infraction that caused the initial pain.
Dads are equal parents. Some dads are deadbeat dads. Some moms are deadbeat moms. Some parents are assholes. Let's not be assholes to each other.
As our kids grow up, our past transgressions and lies will come back to haunt us. I don't think I've lied to them, other than the agreed upon lie (giving my wife the all-important cover) that the divorce was a mutual decision. It was not.