Building A New Relationship

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Listen to the Deep Dive Conversation about this article for free: New Relationship Strategies

How do you start a new relationship? I mean, once you have the “hello date” and decide, YES?

I’ve been thinking about this, and going on a couple “hello dates” and enjoying my own pressureless approach. I want a partner again. I also know that any relationship is going to require a lot of adjustments on my part. I’m sort of grooving in this untethered lifestyle. My house is a wreck. My creativity is at 110%. And my new rescue kitties find my warmth and humor invaluable.

What am I missing? What do I want? How could I construct a partnership, from the second date onward, with intention, transparency, and hope? How can I build trust in a new way? Eliminate sarcasm and cynicism before it begins. And find my partner’s different approach to life refreshing?

Fundamentals of Loving Someone Else

Put their hopes and feelings in a proper perspective
Appreciate them as they are, not as you want or hope them to be
Don’t sell, just be (sometimes I exhaust myself with my own ‘show’)
Listen even more (STFU sometimes, pause, mindful)
Time is the currency of love, how do you want to spend it?
Know what’s my responsibility and what is not
Never give unsolicited advice (it contains complaint and judgment)
Build trust by being trustworthy
Show a reciprocal spark of joy and enthusiasm (match, don’t overrun, your partner’s energy)

Okay, that’s a nice list, but how do I outline the fundamental building blocks I want to use in my relationship-building practice?

Building An Outline for My Future Lover

Time
Shared Experiences
Seeking Together
Exploring New Things
Joy

Let’s take this a bit deeper.

Time

Spend your time wisely. This present moment is your life. If you are waiting in line, waiting in traffic, waiting on your partner, you’re wasting time. Many of these things are not in your control. You do have more agency over your time than you think.

I dated a woman with a young son who laughed about putting 10 pounds in a 5-pound bag. She stuffed her schedule around her kid so deeply that even she was overwhelmed by the pace and bustle required to fulfill her own demanding cadence. Two sports in one season for him. Lots of practices after school. An enthusiastic tennis schedule for herself. Where was the time to fit me in?

It turns out, I was “optional.” I was benched and not on the playing field. When we went to a coaching session about our partnership our post-it note maps could not have been more different. The verdict: I could help her more, but only with one thing. Her chaos and rush did not allow me to help much. When asked by the coach what she wanted to change she was a bit stunned by the question. “Um, time for myself?”

I did teach her one skill before we parted ways. How to actually schedule downtime. Time for herself. Time to do nothing and be okay with it. Time to nap on a Saturday afternoon.

In building a schedule with a new partner, be mindful of what you want more of in your life and what you want less of. By being self-aware you can also be more clear in your wants and needs with a new friend.

Shared Experiences

I love my life. I want to share the highs with someone else. I want to multiply my joy by being joyous while holding someone’s hand. Today, that someone is usually my daughter. She likes snow skiing. I like skiing with someone. We’re trying to make a schedule to ski in the new year.

Together movies are more engaging. Music is a gateway drug when you’re dancing or enjoying it with someone at your side. As I look to bring a new person into my hula-hoop I want to make sure I’m intentional with my sharing. I don’t want to overwhelm or flood them. I want to have a mutual exchange of joy. What she’s excited about will probably excite me, even if it’s just to be with her while she’s grooving.

Seeking Together

I’m a spiritual but not religious kind of mystic. I would like a partner who can flex beyond Christianity into something more like the Gnostics. (Not to be confused with the agnostics.) Someone who is a seeker of connection with God. It can be Jesus if that’s their metaphor, but God is the source.

Church is not very fruitful in my life. I prefer nature walks, rain showers soaking my clothes, summer sun over the ocean, and holding the hand of someone I love during these moments, is THE BEST. Seeking God, I seek love. I would like a woman who can untether from the lessons we’ve been taught about spirituality and wisdom, to explore something more experiential. I’m a modern-day mystic. I believe my relationship with God is now, moment to moment, in my actions and words. I believe I can feel a spiritual connection between all of us. It is up to me to find someone who can embrace their own seeking path, and join me as we skip down the path of life together.

Exploring New Things

What are you learning about yourself? What are you reading? Listening to? What lights you up?

You don’t have to be creative to get into the spirit of expressing joy, love, and desire. You just have to be receptive to your own curiosity. I want to travel to distant cities. I want to hold your hand along the way. I want to learn how to cook something new, together. I want to spend time getting to hear about your “new things” ideas. Then, let’s jump into them.

Joy

I’ve come full circle back to joy.

When you have an inner joy people notice. The woman who walks into a busy coffee shop and causes the entire scene to pause and take notice, she is radiating joy. She does not have to be beautiful, striking, or hyped. She’s just happy. You can see it. Confidence is born of joy. When you are joy-filled, the energy gets spread out to those around you.

I am a seeker of joy. I see joy in the world even when things are not going to plan. I want to combine my joy, to magnify my joy, by looping in with someone else who radiates at a warm-joy level. Warm-Joy. That might be my new motto. Inside the joy is love, happiness, optimism, hope.

When I find her, she will be joyful.

Wrapping Up the Present Moment

I met a girl. A woman. A hello date. Of course, it’s too early to tell much of anything about the WE we might create together. But, she’s said yes, enthusiastically, to going dancing this Friday night. All is well.

Always Love,

John McElhenney – life coach austin texas
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Listen to the discussion of this article: New Relationship Strategies

Just For Fun – Here Is An AI Summary of the Discussion Podcast.

Key Topics:

Authenticity and Vulnerability in Relationships – 20%
- Discussion about the importance of being authentic and vulnerable in relationships, rather than trying to perform or impress others. The group explored how vulnerability can lead to deeper connections.
The Importance of Quality Time – 20%
- Conversation about how the amount of time spent with someone is less important than the quality of that time. The group discussed the concept of ‘time as the currency of love’ and the need to be fully present during interactions.
Shared Experiences and Bonding – 20%
- Discussion about how engaging in shared experiences, especially those that involve synchronized movements or shared emotions, can help strengthen relationships by releasing feel-good chemicals like endorphins and oxytocin.
Seeking Together and Shared Purpose – 20%
- Exploration of the idea of ‘seeking together’, which is about finding a partner who shares your values, aspirations, and sense of purpose, even if the specifics may differ.
Cultivating Inner Joy and Optimism – 20%
- Discussion about the importance of cultivating inner joy and optimism, and how this can create a positive feedback loop that attracts others and enriches relationships.

Key Decisions:

Cultivate inner joy and optimism as a foundation for building fulfilling relationships:
- The discussion highlighted the importance of cultivating inner joy, optimism, and a ‘seeker’s mindset’ as key to building meaningful connections. Focusing on personal growth and becoming the ‘right person’ was emphasized over just finding the ‘right person’.
Prioritize quality time and presence in relationships:
- The team discussed the importance of being fully present and mindful when spending time with others, avoiding distractions like phones. Setting boundaries and taking time for self-care were also identified as critical to maintaining healthy relationships.
Explore new experiences and shared adventures together:
- The discussion highlighted the value of trying new things and creating shared experiences as a way to strengthen bonds and foster a sense of shared purpose in relationships. Novelty and a spirit of exploration were seen as key to keeping relationships exciting and fulfilling.

Celebrations:

Host: Going on a ‘hello date’ with someone new and planning to go dancing together

Let me know what you think?

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