Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all the time.
I’ve been writing about dating again. Seeking love. Seeking a lifetime partner. And, it’s not easy.
Listen to this post on our podcast Love on the Air.
You Are Exactly Where You Are Supposed to Be
At this moment, I am exactly where the universe wants me to be. This distance in my partnership has given me a wake-up call. I was living inside a dream. I was doing my Big Love Generator (BLG) thing, where I tend to blow out all the circuits of romance and inclusion. And, in that distortion, I was missing something fundamental. I had begun to compromise myself in the quest to “make things work.”
Things Didn’t Work
But something about Rumi’s poem, today, as I was writing my Valentine’s Day poem (Becoming the Beloved), provided additional information about myself, and perhaps about the universe. As we enter an intimate relationship we begin rubbing our souls up against another person’s soul. Our spiritual bodies are entwined as much as our physical bodies. Only while we are intimately exposed can we become aware of the deep and lasting connection between ourselves and this other person. This is one of the reasons, for me, that casual sex became an impractical and unwanted practice. I don’t believe you can have sex with someone and not get part of their soul (spirit) mixed in with your life. It’s not a simple physical act.
I believe the soul connections are happening between partners all the time. While we are close in distance to each other our physical bodies have an opportunity to connect and reflect each other’s love and energy. This time spent together, in my understanding, is the currency of a loving relationship. Either you have time to spend together or you don’t. It could be the limitations of one partner, it could be a job, it could be a fear or unwillingness to “get closer” by spending time together. Either way, when two partners begin spending less time together, their soul journeys, their stories, begin to become more divergent. They share less of their story with each other. There is less time to catch up on our daily lives, our daily ambitions, and the changing thoughts about our lives. We speak and share less and thus our journeys begin to move in new and different directions.
As We Travel Alone
As I am alone, my dialogue is very self-centered. I can be prayerful, thankful, and meditative. I can sit in my own peace and my own power and be content with my life. I am alone.
And as I am alone my story begins picking up new facets, new opportunities, new fascinations that I am unable to share with my partner. I might have a nightly check-in, or a tuck-in text while I am away on my trip, but the time allowed does not provide the opportunity to share my growing momentum, my good or challenging events, my path begins diverging and heading off into the mountains alone, like a speeding train whistling in the freezing winter night. I am the only one who hears my whistle. At this same time, my partner has got her own train, rocketing into the valley below, also picking up momentum and shining her beaming light in new directions. We are traveling in different directions. Our souls, while “in each other, all the time” are also gaining distance and momentum while apart.
The threads of connection that we entwine and establish while we are together, become stretched out and fragile as we spend time apart speeding off in our own night trains of life. The filaments of connections between our souls, the invisible connections, while boundless, begin to lose their vibrancy. Sparks are not lighting up between the two distant lovers. There may be desire and longing, but the data passing across their ever-thinning channel of communication becomes less frequent and less illuminating.
I want to see into my partner. I want to feel the fiery connection between us both in the physical world and in the spiritual interleaving of our soul’s desires. As I am stoking my fires alone, carving new tracks into the mountains, I am leaving behind the partner that my partner knew, and my opportunities to update them are less frequent and less fruitful. We travel apart. We arc away from one another. Our connections begin to quiet down and become more muted. We may long for our reunion and the revival of our relationship fire, but we may continue outwards on our journey into uncharted and untethered territory.
Seeking Answers in the Dark
What once was hot and essential in our life may now be cooling due to the effects of distance and time. Whole chapters of our lives are being written while we are apart. The shared stores become sporadic and novel, where once they were essential and a core strength of our bond with our partner. The imaginary picture we hold of our distant lover becomes more metaphoric and nostalgic. We begin to base our longing on parts of ourselves or our partners that are being transformed as part of our journey outward and away.
We cannot get the answers about our partnerships while we travel alone in the darkness. We can discover and explore our own soul’s dimensions, our own soul’s ambitions, and our soul’s desires and passions. While longing for our partner we may also be creating a fantasy of how things were or how things are going to be when we are given the time and space to be together again. But at this moment, as this part in our story, we are not together and our trains are speeding along in new directions.
What We Find In Our Search
Tonight, as my train is speeding along on this February night, I can see the stars in the crisp and refreshing sky. I can sense the ache in my heart (both physically and spiritually) to be holding my partner’s face between my hands and sharing the joy of our adoration. What I find when I look under that ache is my old pain of loneliness and isolation. I don’t want to be alone tonight. I don’t want to run my train up into the mountains alone. And yet, my train, my dialogue, my journey is all I really have control over. And even that, I don’t have control over, I just think I do.
What I can seek tonight, alone, is my contentment at being right at this place in my life. It’s not how I want it to be. But, it is where my life has brought me at this moment. If I think back to the warm waters here at the edge of the unknown, perhaps I can slow my speeding train, I can pause, I can refuse to give up or to thrash off towards a destination that has yet to be revealed. I can slow my roll. I can accept this moment and the lessons I am learning. Lessons about time, about distance, about being in the middle of a lake of possibilities and choosing not to set out for the distant shore.
I cannot stop my train tonight. There is no way to quiet my desire, my whistling heart, and the longing of my soul. My inner dialogue and my personal biographical story continue to be written even when I cannot share this night. My hope is that the gossamer connections between us will still carry enough energy and information to keep our souls interested in reconnecting and rejoining and that we both find the desire and time to make it happen.
How I Can Help
I am a relationship coach and a dating coach. I coach women in 1 x 1 zoom or facetime calls. I work in monthly blocks (4 sessions). We establish a relationship. I become your wingman in navigating and sorting through the bullshit of dating and relationships. If you are here, you’ve probably already read some of my opinions. If we’re a fit, we will both know on our first call. For SEPT-OCT I’m offering a 1 HR introductory call rather than my usual 30-minutes.
I am also launching two coaching groups about dating and relationships in the coming weeks. One for men and one for women, facilitated with a dear friend and wellness/aging coach. Both groups will be limited to 8 participants. So join the FB groups and watch for the opening announcements. THANK YOU.
- Free Coaching Call (1 HR Special)
- Women’s Relationship Group (join Private Facebook Group)
- Men’s Relationship Group (join Private Facebook Group)
- General Whole Parent Group (join Private Facebook Group)
- Subscribe to our monthly email (easily unsubscribe system too)
- I Am a Big Love Generator: It’s Not Easy for Me to Slow My Roll
- Stoking Your Soul Fire: Finding Peace at the Edge of the Unknown
- Becoming the Beloved
- Mind the Gap: Listening for the Signals from Your Lover
- Patience, Mindfulness, and the Slow Road to a Healthy Relationship
- The 6th Love Language: Distance – Jessica Wildfire
- The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman
- Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone – Brené Brown