Let It Rain
Here comes the fall. Football. The smell of burning leaves. The nights getting cooler. I am so happy about the cooling temperatures.
Changes, Changes, Always Changes
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. My lover has chosen a new path. My path while exciting and exhilarating would be sweeter if shared. That’s the goal, anyway. BUT, first comes loving yourself and enjoying your own company again. (SEE: Untethered)
How do we manage the in-between times? I’m really working to have ZERO in-between times, but here we are. The wreckage this time was more of a slow smouldering mess. There was no huge crash. I left in Feb. I came back. She never did.
If change is a constant in relationships, as we’re seeking a higher love, what are the steps towards ending the Honeymoon-to-Blah-to-Breakup patter so many of us suffer from in our journey to find the BIG LOVE?
Steps Towards Wholeness Together
- give every moment time and recognition
- celebrate each step towards each other
- make the journey towards the bedroom a long and luxurious courtship
- never let the courtship stop, never get lazy, never stop doing kind things for your lover
- figure out your relationship goals and your emotional/physical needs and talk straight about what you want and how you’d like to proceed
- do not take on your partner’s issues, nor judge them for their struggles (SEE: Al-Anon)
- spend time together, listen to your lover, pay attention to their actions
- if red flags begin to threaten, address them directly, learn to argue well, and then commit to arguing when things are OFF
- if red flags are too numerous or don’t seem to be repairable, it’s time to let go and let god
- leave cleanly and with honest appreciation of your journey together
- end it (full communication stop is the only way, you must separate to feel the sadness and do your own grief and rebuilding work (you cannot skip this step – you may be friends later, but not within the first 6-months after a serious breakup.)
- talk no shit, cause no harm, take no shit, just be quiet (if you’re not a blogger)
Here Comes the Fall
But it does not have to be your (my) fall, physically or metaphorically. It will feel strange. You will be sad. You may be euphoric and feel like running back to the dating sites, or strip clubs, or bars, or where ever you can take care of your ego’s bruised needs. Stop moving and feel what’s happening in your heart and head. Learn from your joy and your pain. But by god, pause before rebounding or rushing into NEXT.
By taking my time rebuilding my esteem and physical fitness I’m imagining myself single for a bit. It’s good for my work on this site. It’s good for my soul and heart to know that loneliness is not terminal.
This Fall I’m going to enjoy the life that is unfolding before me. I will not look back at the past (except to write the book about it at some point). I will move forward with renewed vigor at the awareness that I put 100% into each of my last FIVE post-divorce relationships.
If you’re in the middle of a breakup, or if you’re not happy in your relationship, make sure you are talking to someone besides your significant other. And remember: friends and family have a vested interest in your partnership going one way or another according to what would serve THEM (not you) better. Find a third party and reason things out with someone who’s not in your personal circle. Al-Anon is amazing for this. My Al-Anon sponsor has become one of my best friends and strongest supporters. (Thank you Jeff.)
You must get out of yourself. Walk in the smokey morning light and chill. Walk alone for a moment. Smell the air. Feel the pain and bigness of your desire. And then walk on.
As a certified life coach, I’ve been helping men and women find fulfilling relationships. If you’d like to chat for 30-minutes about your post-divorce challenges, I always give the first 30-session away for free. LEARN ABOUT COACHING WITH JOHN. There are no obligations to continue. But I get excited every time I talk to someone new. I can offer new perspectives and experiences from my post-divorce journey. Most of all, I can offer hope.
- Dating Again After Divorce – the archives
- What Do We Learn When Things Fall Apart?
- Is Someone Getting the Best of You?
- Dear Love, I Want Everything Right Now
- Online Dating Update: Breathe It All In, Love It All Out
- Real Love, The Art of Mindful Connection – Salzberg
- Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships – Baer
- Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples – Hendrix
- Keeping the Love You Find: A Guide for Singles – Hendrix
- Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love – Levine