Tag Archives: sexual energy

As Goes the Sex So Goes the Marriage

Sex isn’t everything. It’s not even the most important thing. But when sex goes off the rails, there is probably a lot more wrong in the relationship than right. Examining some of the myths of sexual ennui and suggesting paths to reconnect.

First off, I have to admit, these ideas didn’t work in my marriage. And there were plenty of other factors in why we split. But sex, and the lack thereof, was the first real indicator to me that something had gotten disconnected. Some aspect of our relationship outside the bedroom had gotten so painful that the activity in the bedroom had frozen over. Frost in the marital bed is a quick wakeup call or a slow death knell.

In my case, we did start going to therapy, but I didn’t make our intimacy an issue. I was letting her lead in therapy, because it seemed she was so unhappy. So in trying to be accommodating I was also sweeping my empty sex life under the bed. It didn’t seem to be an issue for her. Weeks could go by without more than a casual touch, and she was fine. I was reaching out for any touch and coming up rubbing myself most of the time.

How did it get so far out of balance? Had our level of desire always been so different and the early romance was enough to hide the mismatch? Let’s look at some of the reasons given for not being in the mood and see if we can come up with a strategy for rejoining in the bedroom and in our relationships.

Busy, Distracted, No Time

What makes a couple too busy to be intimate? What priorities get so far embedded in our minds that we forget our hearts? Work stress can be a libido killer. If I am threatened at my job, I’m not going to be ultraconfident in the bedroom. And if I don’t ask it won’t happen… So what can I do to reenergize myself in the evening, when I am about to arrive home and I’d like to feel some of our old chemistry again?

Remember what makes her happy. Does the kitchen need a quick once-over before dinner to get her feeling more comfortable with leaving the dishes in the sink to make room for some hanky panky? Maybe she just likes to know she’s joined and supported in taking care of some of the chores around the house. Make time to clear the distractions (housework, bills to pay, getting the kids to bed) and then make the time to be close and quiet. It doesn’t have to mean sex, but it does necessarily mean closeness and cuddling. Start there and see if anything develops.

Getting At The Heart of the Matter

Is there something else that’s out of whack in the relationship? If a woman feels the relationship is not a priority they are likely to put their energy and attention somewhere else as well. If it’s always your work, or your “projects” that are calling your heart, perhaps you need to look at what about your relationship lights up your passionate emotions as well. If you’re not sure what passion looks like, you might be in need of a refresher course in your love life.

Sometimes bigger issues can make their way into the bedroom, cutting off all hope of joy and passion. Make sure you get together with someone who can help you both work through the bigger issues. If sex is off, there might be something larger at play. Don’t let it go too long before addressing it, or you could lose the sexual passion from neglect. It’s not hard to see a young starlet and think, “Oh boy, I’d love to…” but it’s more challenging to keep seeing that arousal in your day-after-day mate. But the core of the passion will come from clearing the decks of unfinished business.

Back to Business

When things are flowing in the relationship both partners can instigate sex. Usually it is one partner more often than another, but there is little resistance. When the relationship is in balance, usually the sex is balanced as well.

Connected sex means seeing your partner as you are making love to them. It’s easy to disconnect and fantasize, but staying connected to your partner, seeking out her eyes, is the best way to remain close. And when the sex is close and connected the relationship is usually trending along similar lines. You can’t have connected sex when the relationship is in troubled water. And while make up sex is a thing, it’s not the best way to go about having a relationship, getting in fights because the sex afterwards is amazing.

Staying connected to your partner means being aware of their sexual desire and giving nudges and suggestions in that direction. Both your needs can be met if you’re both thinking of each other. Listen to what your sexual relationship is saying about the state of your relationship to your partner. If things are out of whack in the bedroom, chances are you need to look at what’s going on elsewhere.

Take care. If you want to talk to someone about love and single parenting, let me know.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

image: sex, creative commons usage

The Fading Passion of Monogamy

WHOLE-lovefades

There seems to be a lot of new research lately that suggests that women do grow less sexually attracted to their husbands over the long relationship. Um… This is news? There’s this little concept called the seven-year itch that has been hanging around men’s heads for quite some time. Well, it seems the ennui is a two-way street.

I suppose the previous assumption was that women grew more deeply in love as the marriage years passed by. And with this assumption, was the idea that the deeper the love, the more sexual and connected the women would feel towards their husbands. Guess what? It’s difficult for two people to maintain a marriage, and even more difficult to keep that marriage vital, sexually exciting, and emotionally connected.

Love fades. A quick Google of the topic generates enough material for two movies and several encyclopedias of information about the fleeting nature of love, passion, lust, and love. Some of us, who tried and failed to sustain the magic, are looking for clues, ways to not repeat the mistakes of our past. And some people are becoming more convinced that enduring monogamy is just not viable in our modern society.

The real miss for me, right now, as a divorced dad, has more to do with my kids than with my ex-wife. However, I have to say, she’s still attractive to me.

I’d say love ebbs and flows. There are moments of peak experience, high times of love and raw sexual joy. And these moments are easier when you’re in the early stages of a relationship. And there is no denying that a new sexual partner is an amazing opportunity to rekindle your own inner sexual demon. Perhaps in a past marriage you began to doubt if you still had it in you. And after some work recovering your mojo, post divorce, you’re back in the dating game and BOOM it happens. The Joy of Sex becomes a thing again and not just a book.

But the question of being able to maintain sexual desire and interest in your lover year after year is a bit more difficult to decipher. I’d love to say there was a strategy or a book I could point to that would give us all the answer. There is not.

I can tell you, that in my marriage, even as things went from awesome and new, to awesome with children, to less awesome with children and mortgage, to less than awesome, to non-existent, that I never lost the desire and energy for my wife. While there would have been plenty of reasons to look outside the marriage, or ask for release from the sexless bedroom, I was more committed to my kids than I was to MY sexual gratification.

Of course I can’t speak to her and her levels of desire, or how the monotony of monogamy might have had something to do with the frosty bedroom. But I knew that our love would prevail over the time and stress and aches of growing up and parenting two wonderful kids.

The real miss for me, right now, as a divorced dad, has more to do with my kids than with my ex-wife. However, I have to say, she’s still attractive to me. I would still be in love with her, if there were some way to magically turn back the less-than cool things that have happened since. And if we were still working together, financially, rather than independently, and with two houses, we could be dialing back our work loads rather than dialing them up again.

It’s okay, I don’t want a reconciliation, and I’m sure that she does not either, but it’s a shame when all this wonderful chemistry, love, passion, and mutually agreed upon goals falls into disrepair and we find ourselves having to start over, or in my case, imagining starting over, with someone new. I didn’t want someone new. I didn’t want any one else. I was not tired of her sexually.

I was hopeful that by withdrawing a bit of my overt love language with her and the kids, that she would step back into “that loving feeling” and return to her previously joyous self.

However, I think I was also carrying a huge portion of the task of keeping the love alive. Not just in the bedroom, but in our daily lives as well. I learned about The 5 Love Languages a bit too late to help my marriage, but I can see now how we were wired very differently for love and affection. My language is touch. And in our lives, and our kid’s lives, I was the one who wrapped my arms around everyone and hugged. I was the one generating 90% of the touchy-feely actions in our entire family.

This lack of balance in our expressions of love was most apparent, as things were trending downward in our love life, when I took a break from being the cheerleader of the emotional family. I was hoping that by dialing my own warm fuzzies back, my wife would recognize the lack and move in to fill the vacuum a bit. I was hopeful that by withdrawing a bit of my overt love language with her and the kids, that she would step back into “that loving feeling” and return to her previously joyous self.

It didn’t work. It didn’t really backfire either, but I got my message loud and clear. If there was going to be joy and connective love in our house, I was going to have to generate all of the adult portion of it. The kids were busy little love bugs. They reflected back as much love as you could pour into them. But between my wife and I, the connection sometimes required effort.

Thus I believe the new studies showing women too suffer from long-term monogamy burnout not as a finding, but as a confirmation that love and passion take work on both sides. You can’t find true love and hope that it will carry you on into your twilight years together. You’ve got to work at remaining loving, remaining vital and active in your own life, so you can show up as vital and loving in your marriage. If either partner drops in their love energy, it is the other person’s responsibility to respond, support, nurture, and communicate.

If you can talk about what’s happening, there is a possibility that you can read books like The 5 Love Languages, or Seven Principals to Make a Marriage Work, and do what it takes to rekindle your marriage. If either of you decides not to do the work of keeping the love alive, then you’re in for some tough times. And when negotiations and discussions break down, sometimes over sex, the fractures may end up becoming breaks. The loss of the love may end up signaling the loss of your marriage.

I don’t have any knowledge of how this myth of women’s sustained love life came about, but I know I didn’t buy it. And so when the books began coming out and women started saying, “See, we’re in need of excitement and variety too, ” I was nonplussed. Um, yeah, we know this. It’s called the seven-year-grass-might-be-greener-with-a-new-sexual-parner itch.

This post continues here:  The Rest of Our Lives Loving the Same Person

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

back to Positive Divorce 

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image: found image, creative commons usage