Tag Archives: match.com

online dating, dating apps

Single Dad, Again

I did not ever think I’d write this post. I was certain I had found my forever mate. But somethings are not meant to be, and the best is yet to come. I won’t say much about it, in respect of my partner who I still love deeply, but I think if you read the last 30 posts or so you might catch a theme of what wasn’t working, for me. Anyway…

I want to talk about online dating for a minute. Gross, I know. I’m very discouraged to even be in this place again after so much bliss, but it is what it is.

Here’s the thing. Online dating is a pure numbers game. Regardless of what site or app you are using here are the stats, in my opinion. About 80% of the women will be out right away for various reasons. Then 10% of the remaining women are so cute that you’re unlikely to ever catch their attention. So then you’re working with about 10% of the total. And the percentage that might be a match from that smaller subset is about 2%. That’s my experience. And it’s not all bad, but the numbers are stacked against you. And if your profile pics don’t tell a happy and honest story about you, well, you’ll understand what I mean when you look inside the apps.

So… If 2% of the women in all of online dating are potentially interested in exploring options with me, why would I stay on one site only. Surely there are different people on different sites, right? Right. And if it’s a numbers game, why wouldn’t I go ahead and put myself on all of the top 4? I did and you should if you’re serious about looking for your next relationship. Here are my top 4 dating sites/apps ranked in order from best to worst.

  1. OKCupid – smaller pool but the questions are a great way to understand more about the person.
  2. Match – a bigger pool, but has a lot of scammers.
  3. Bumble – a simple app that puts the woman in charge of initiating a conversation.
  4. Tender – not so much luck on this one, but still on it.

In the week that I’ve been on the sites here are my results.

OKC – I’m currently chatting with 4 women. I’ve only met one of them and we happened to know each other from high school.

Match.com – I’m chatting with 2 women here. But there’s a lot less bio information available.

Bumble – Only one woman has contacted me, but she dropped off the map as soon as I suggested coffee.

Tender – zero.

Now, I’m not in a hurry to get back into a long-term relationship, but it takes a lot of time to get anything started, and harder still to find that person that intrigues you and is intrigued by you. So I fired them up all at once, to widen my pool.

The bonus that happens right away, as soon as you get a touchback from someone is the idea of potential. When my relationship ended I was devastated and certain I would never find another person so perfect for me. But as soon as a cute woman responded to me, I had a glimmer of hope. It’s worth it just for that. And now I have several women in conversation. And I even played tennis yesterday with a woman from Match. And it was AMAZING.

So, if you’re single, go ahead and put your best foot forward and get out there. Getting to a relationship may take months, so you might as well start exploring the field. And if you see the 10% as potentials then you begin to get hopeful that there “might” be someone out there for you.

Oh, btw, there is. Good luck.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

image: creative commons usage – https://goo.gl/images/JAcr1K

5 Myths and 5 Truths About Online Dating Today

WHOLE-jumpin

There is no such thing as online dating, unless you consider texting and emails a form of dating. The dating begins the moment you step into a coffee shop or wine bar together. Or, better for me, meet along the local walk/run trail and get acquainted without mind altering beverages. So let’s get rid of that one first.

Online Dating Myth #1: Online Dating is Not a Form of Dating. It is a means to an end. Offline dating is the goal.

Online Dating Truth #1: Some women will string you along, making it seem like they are interested but they will never accept the offer of a meeting. This is due to one of three things. 1. They’re really not interested but are afraid to hurt your feelings. 2. They are overwhelmed by the great offers and you’ve been given a number and place in-line for when they get back to you. 3. They are not ready to date.

No matter how cute you are. Ryan Seacrest wouldn’t really get that many propositions because women would fear his good looks like the plague.

Online Dating Myth #2: A cute profile pic = a cute date. I’m pretty sure this one cuts both ways. I’m amazed sometimes, even in a person’s range of photos how they mix in the youthful babe shots with the “here’s what I look like today, at 45, ” but they forget to tell you which is which. So you get intrigued by the hot shot and when they show up for the date, um, what…? When was that other picture taken. It happens. It’s not pretty.

Online Dating Truth #3: Cute dudes are not always assholes, cute girls are not always stuck up princesses. But from the lack of compassion in online dating you’d never know. The woman who engaged in three weeks of “hey, what’s happenings” to “you’re kinda coming on like a stalker” after I emailed her the second time in a week… Well, those people you’d best not get started with, even if they are cuter than hell.

Online Dating Myth #3: If a woman (or man) is actually really cute and not a headcase she’d never be online dating anyway. We’re busy, we’re tired of bars and pickup lines. We’d prefer Facebook, where we can see what you’re really like, with your friends, but you’re not a friend yet. I have met several amazing people via online dating. Two of them are still close friends and Facebook cheerleaders. So, there are good people trying online dating, you just have to uncover the right one for YOU.

Online Dating Truth #3: If you recognise a disconnect in their profile, or in something they message you, and you have doubts about their authenticity, RUN. There are a ton of liars in online dating. Some are there just to troll and have fun. Some want to send you dick pics. Some want to lure you off to a pay-per-view sight where they can show you the “real pics.” And “Don’t worry,” these porn saleswomen say, “Registration is free.” Oh, and look for the cutie who is 10-15 years younger than you, within 500 miles and has an age range between 35 – 75. They are trolls or sales folks trying to game the system for financial gain.

Online Dating Myth #4: Their profile is close enough, maybe not perfect, but what the heck… If there’s doubt in your mind, there is probably a disconnect larger than you can imagine. People are putting their best spin on everything. Often they are lying about some significant facts. Like the woman who confessed within the first 30 minutes of a hello date, “I’m not actually divorced yet. But we’re separated.” Um… NO. If you get the feeling something isn’t quite right when looking at their profile, just pass on the in-person. Why waste your time and your money chit chatting with someone who’s not really interested in a relationship.

Remember it’s not online dating we’re after. It’s the dating that happens offline that is the real stuff.

Online Dating Truth #4: Women get propositioned about 10-to-1 over men. No matter how cute you are. Ryan Seacrest wouldn’t really get that many propositions because women would fear his good looks like the plague. Women of marginal beauty, on the other hand, are hit on constantly. Now, this isn’t to say they are getting valid or polite propositions. And I would guess (since I’m not a cute female, I’d have to guess) that the cuter they are the more careful they have learned to become. So the cutest girl on OK Cupid is probably propositioned once ever 10 minutes, but she’s still only got seven evenings a week. There’s a great study from OK Cupid about how good looking people are perceived by their photos. (Your Profile Photos and Your Inbox – OK Cupid Survey)

Online Dating Myth #5: Chemistry can be sensed or determined by texting or emailing. No way, José! Forget about it. I can’t tell you the number of times the chemistry was smokin hot and their profile photos were awesome and the in-person meeting was a dud. Whatever you think you see, whatever magic you think you can sniff out through romantic projections and their flirtatious response, forget about it. In fact, save your energy for other things. Rather than build up the pre-in-person courtship, move on to getting some exercise, or finishing that work project you’ve been procrastinating on. All that time and effort you put into wooing a woman online is NADA if you meet in person and something is off. There’s no going back. You don’t get your time back. Or your flight of fancy that kept you texting until 1 am on a weeknight. Skip the romancing until you’ve established a mutual interest.

Online Dating Truth #5: Your first date may say “Okay, see you again soon.” And there is a 50/50 chance they are lying. Maybe greater. If there’s no magic, a casual “Thanks, call me” is as bad as “Um, thanks anyway, but no.” The problem is, it’s much more misleading. Do everyone a favor. If there’s no chemistry, and you’re absolutely NOT interested in a second date, don’t act like you are. I’ve had my just warming heart broken a couple times by women who seemed to give a semi-warm “Sure, call me” and then turned out to be, “not so much.” Why didn’t they just tell me. Even ending all email or text responses is a better answer than saying there’s some interest when you know there isn’t any. I know it’s hard, letting people down. BUT DO IT. We’re trying online dating to cut to the chase a bit. Don’t prolong the misery by giving false positives.

I hope you meet a lot of nice people out there. But don’t be fooled by their looks, their profile statements, or their fluent email banter. Go for the face-to-face meeting with as little hassle and energy as possible. If it becomes difficult to land the date, for whatever reason, move on. If they wanted to meet they would also be trying to make it happen, not giving excuses.

And remember it’s not online dating we’re after. It’s the dating that happens offline that is the real stuff. Good luck.

Always Love,

The Whole Parent
@wholeparent

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image: leap of faith, nicki varkevisser, creative commons usage