Tag Archives: active lifestyle

Laws of Attraction and the Opposite Sex

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We are programmed to admire the opposite sex. It’s part of our DNA. Maybe more for men than women, but “we all look.” I was wondering about this a few days ago as I was walking around the lake with my fiancé. Still it’s so fun to look. What is it about voyeurism that’s so enticing? Or is it something more animal?

When a Lamborghini drives by I do my best to get a look at it. Something about the curves, the exotic nature, and the power of that car. 

I like to people watch. Most of us do. But I don’t think of myself as a hound dog. I’m not cat calling or overtly staring. And I’m not trying to hide it from my soon-to-be-wife. We both admire the stream of runners and walkers as we walk together.

Am I sexually attracted to them? Am I looking to cheat on my fiancé? Or is it more of a fascination thing?

One similar situation I compare this phenomenon to is fancy cars. When a Lamborghini drives by I do my best to get a look at it. Something about the curves, the exotic nature, and the power of that car. And I could stand next to one and not grow tired of admiring the engineering.

Perhaps that’s a similar response when looking at a particularly attractive and athletic person. You want to observe the lines, the muscle, the curves. But it’s not like I want to sleep with them all. It’s just that I can appreciate god’s handiwork and the attractive power of the opposite sex. I don’t really want to drive a Lamborghini, but they sure are fun to look at.

I also noticed the other day is how we are programmed to see youth as a beauty as well. And with today’s media obsession we are even more trained than ever to admire the teen shape. The zero body fat, zero age lines, race-ready bodies that go flying by almost have a glow about them. Again, it’s not sexual at this point. At least sexual in the physical sense, the sexual power is more of an animal instinct.

As I’ve grown older and more aware of my own aging and changing shape, I have become more aware of our how media-driven tastes have been focused on the youth. Except in my world, I am no longer interested in youngsters. I have a teenage daughter of my own. I’m more interested in appreciating the lines and burnished look of people my own age, or even older.

Holding hands with my fiancé on the running trail doesn’t diminish my enthusiasm for watching. I’m affirming my joy and connection with this woman, as we go about the dance of living together.

How beautiful to see a gray-haired lady smiling and cruising along getting her 5-miles in. I’m less interested in teen-looking athletes and more interested in people who are happy in their own skins, people doing their own lives with style and grace.

Maybe the fact that we’re all on a running/walking trail is a bit of a filter. Everyone out here is active and working on staying that way. That’s what I look for in a partner (one that I have in spades) and that’s what I look for as I see these beautiful women passing by along the trail. Sure, the occasional gazelle is pretty to see leaping along, but I’m no gazelle. I’m looking for people of my tribe. And part of that tribe is mid-life and going strong.

Holding hands with my fiancé on the running trail doesn’t diminish my enthusiasm for watching. I’m not limiting my opportunities by selecting and being selected by a mate. I’m affirming my joy and connection with this woman, as we go about the dance of living together. You’ve got to stay active to maintain an active lifestyle. And if you’re both into the task you can both enjoy the journey.

Today I’m not really people watching for attractive young women. I notice the allure and draw of their energy and physical form. No. More I am looking for the energy of life in all its active forms. The thing about a Lamborghini that makes it so fascinating is the rarity of seeing one and the knowledge that it goes fast. Same thing with my fiancé: a rare beauty that goes fast. I exercise next to her so I can keep up 15 and 20 years from now.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

Back to Positive Divorce & Co-Parenting

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image: jogging woman in grass, creative commons usage

Can You Love Yourself As Much As You Desire Someone Else?

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I want my kids, but mainly myself, to be proud of me.

You cannot love someone else unless you fully love yourself. If you are thinking things like “if I lose 15 lbs,” or “if I could get better clothes or a nice haircut,” it’s okay, but it shows a bit of self-acceptance that still needs some attention.

While I was making progress in my fitness, as tracked on my blog, the ultimate transformation took place when I found a partner who was healthy and lived a lean and active lifestyle.

I remember talking to a good friend a few years ago about my weight. I was lamenting how hard it was to get motivated when I was feeling depressed and fat. How could I ever find a woman to love me. His response was swift and direct, “If she doesn’t love you just the way you are, she’s not worthy of you.” I still think about that moment. I heard the words, and though I didn’t believe them at that time, I came to understand the fundamental value in his wisdom.

I wanted to lose 15 pounds. I wanted to play more tennis so that I would be more active and attractive to a woman. I wanted to be with an active and athletic woman, so I’d better not turn into a couch slouch. I wasn’t that at all, but I was overweight due to the depression of the divorce, and my poor food choices. I really didn’t consider myself fat, until I saw photos or videos of myself from birthday parties or something. I didn’t like how I looked. I didn’t see how I could love me as I was. I needed a change.

The change that had to happen was actually in my mind. I decided to begin a fitness and health routine, program, process to discover more about me and my relationship to food and fitness. I started another blog (http://fitbytech.com) to complete the motivation and exploration. As I wrote about myself, I began to discover issues I had yet to resolve.

  1. Fitness has a lot to do with what you eat, not just how much you exercise.
  2. Quantity of calories is very important, but it’s not everything.
  3. Quantity and quality of exercise are important. I could never commit to going to a gym because I hated being in the gym. I could always commit to play tennis, but that required another person, or some group I could join.
  4. My negative self-talk was toxic. As I turned my inner-voice into a Bill-Murray-in-Stripes character, I began to lighten up about failures and resets.
  5. Fitness and health is all about failures, forgiveness and resetting. If you eat ice cream one night, you wake up the next day and say, “Whew, I’m glad that’s over.” And you jump back into the plan. Always back to the plan. Never a failure, but just a temporary setback.
  6. Friend and family seem happy to see you changing, but they’re not always as supportive as you’d like them to be. “Wow, you look great. Here have this piece of cake.”
  7. It was MY IMAGE of MYSELF that was the real issue. By “feeling fat” I didn’t feel attractive. I didn’t project confidence in my physical appearance. I had personality and humor in spades, but I was not happy with the way my pants fit.

My Breakthrough

That’s the key to my fitness and healthy eating. I want to be proud of me. I want to look at myself with a shirt off and get a smile. From me.

While I was making progress in my fitness, as tracked on my blog, the ultimate transformation took place when I found a partner who was healthy and lived a lean and active lifestyle. Sure, I can’t keep up with her, but I can draft behind her in the kitchen and on the running trail. And by being with someone who loved me as I was, I began to love me more, just as I was. Sure she’d like me to be fitter, so would I. But her love for me, like my friend said, was not based on my weight or my fitness level.

I still want to get in better shape. I want my health to be an advantage in my older days. I want my kids to look up to me, and know that they are still several years from being able to beat me on the tennis court, or sprinting across any random field we come upon. I want my kids, but mainly myself, to be proud of me.

Yep, that’s the key to my fitness and healthy eating. I want to be proud of me. I want to look at myself with a shirt off and get a smile. From me. My sweetheart has been singing my praises since the day we met. She’s an amazing cheerleader. And her “Are we going to run today,” texts always produce a “meh” inside, but a “Hell, yes!” on the outside.

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

visit: fitybytech – my health and wellbeing blog

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image: The Last Desire – Tamarama, Ian Burt, creative commons usage