Tag Archives: a dad without his kids

Single Dad In Love, a Happy Story

WHOLE-hanks

Love is such a wonderfully ecstatic place to be. And as we enter the relationship that will eventually spawn a family we have to have entered a higher plane of love. (This is about conscious parenting, and not accidental pregnancy, though perhaps the accidental parent experiences the next stage of growth.) And before we become new parents we start preparing the nest and ourselves for the upcoming “love hurricane.” And nothing we prepped for and nothing we read about it could have really gotten us  spiritually prepared for what would happen next.

And this little trio of wonder and worry is launched and everyone is now headed in a new, and collective, direction. You’re all in, and all in it together.

In my case, and for the sake of this story, I’ll assume, for my now-ex-wife as well, all moments in my life pivoted on that first scream and bloody little package that slipped so easily into my hands in the hospital. There are BP and AP realities. In that hospital, at the birth of your first child, you shed your old before-parent lives. And you emerge, together, as a trio of lovers and spiritual beings, together finally, after all that anticipation and loving worship.

And you are in the rush of love and chaos that is new parenting. And all of life is miraculously transformed. Some of the changes are hard: sleep is a bit more of a negotiation and a rare gift, every poop becomes an event worthy of study and discussion and of course clean up, and the tired mom requires several added doses of patience as everything about her body has just shifted in a 180 degree u turn.

And some of the changes, the ones you might have read about, are magical, mystical, transformations that affirm our belief in God. At least that’s how it felt to me. This little soul has entered and torn up the house and every aspect of the life before him (we had a son first) and each parent is forced to come to terms with his/her spiritual beliefs on the spot. There’s an amazing transformation in your wife’s body and even though sex is off for a bit, the glow of her body and her amazing orbs are all gifts from a higher power. And the body-soul connection of the breast-feeding is a fascinating thing to observe. And this little trio of wonder and worry is launched and everyone is now headed in a new, and collective, direction. You’re all in, and all in it together.

We didn’t really start talking about a second child for a while, I mean, we were getting the hang of this parenting thing, and the wonder overwhelmed the stress and struggle of growth required.  But there was a distinct moment when we decided if we wanted a second child, and we did, that NOW would be a good time to begin “trying” again. And there’s a lot of fun associated with the trying.

In our world, the second pregnancy was a replay of the first one for about two months. We started the Bradley classes again, just as a way of bonding and preparing for the process again. We loved the time in the car heading to our “birthing” classes. So reverent. And even the little man started calming down a bit, as if he somehow sensed some new adventure was on the way. We sailed into our second pregnancy with flying colors. Until the first sonogram.

She had a complication. A medical condition was starving our arriving daughter of oxygen. And we were whisked off to a neonatal surgeon’s office for a more accurate assessment. And the world went topsy-turvy for all of us in one visit with our loving and happy OBGYN as we got the referral and insurance information for this new specialist.

We were in it together, but we weren’t exactly sure if we were all going to make it. And I might have been the weakest link.

He was a wonderful doctor, and his attitude probably carried us along. Our case was mild compared to most of the people in his office. But still, every Monday morning for 5 months we would need to visit his office together and see if our little girl was getting enough oxygenated blood. There were a lot of things the surgeon could do, but they all sounded experimental and risky. And they were. He admitted to only doing one prior in-vitro blood transfusion. ACK. He never showed his anxiety, but he was hoping right along with us, that it wouldn’t come to that.

And along the way, the three of us outside the womb began to show signs of stress. My consulting business crashed around our wounded heads with 9-11, and we suddenly didn’t have a clear financial picture of the future. But we marched along. I started a rabid search for full-time work and we showed up at the doctor’s office every Monday morning for a red blood count of our month’s old daughter.

We were in it together, but we weren’t exactly sure if we were all going to make it. And I might have been the weakest link. Something about the combination, parental responsibilities, a crushing job loss, and a weekly medical drama that played out with ever-more wringing of hands and worry on all sides of the sonogram’s monitor.

I cracked. I’m sad to say it now. I fell to pieces and while I did my best to maintain my support, my attention had to turn inward for a bit while I struggled to get my act together. Yes, I admit it, shamefully, I left my wife mentally, for a short period of time during our greatest challenge. There are still some ideas in my head that point back there to our eventual breakup, but that’s a much later story. We rowed along in our little boat of 3.5 and we did the best we could. But for a short period of time, when she needed a boat captain the most, she was both crew and captain.

In the low-moments I showed up. In the crisis moments I was able to pull up my suspenders and dig in as Dad, and Husband, and Protector. But I was wobbly.

Our daughter practically jumped out of the womb when it was her time to arrive. And to everyone’s amazement, she was not only not anemic, she was just a regular old healthy baby. All the emergency options were not needed once she was out of the inhospitable womb. We were all so glad to see her, and she was so glad to have arrived that we hit another love hurricane. And waves rolled in on all of us. Even our son got into the act with his new sister. He was jumping all over the house, wielding spatulas, and yelling, “Ta tai do!” It was as if he had created his own warning and challenge to any of the darkness that was still threatening us.

We hit another period of bliss and wonder. Now 4 of us in the bed, and 4 of us as happy as four well-tucked space travellers could be. Our journey now turned towards ideas of school and plans for redecorated rooms. We had made it through the trial by fire and we were exhausted but still in tact. We enjoyed a few blissful years.

I spent a lot of time after everyone had gone to sleep, standing in my kids room and watching them sleep. It was a quiet little church.

And, in fact, those blissful feelings have never changed when looking at my kids. Our marriage had a few more surprises ahead, but the kids were the focus and the purpose of our journey. We were dedicated to the task. I rejoined the corporate workforce and travelled far from home to provide the job-free time for my wife. We were aligned in our goals and dreams. And as I packed off to my daily commute I was smiling the entire way, even pulling out of the driveway I had a sense of working for something bigger and more important than myself. It was a hard journey, but a good one.

And each night as I got home after dark, often bearing dinner or groceries for the awaiting family, I rejoiced even as I began to show signs of the stressful job. I gained a lot of weight, though I tried to make it to the on-site gym. I walked with my wife, pushing the dual stroller up and down the hills of our neighborhood. And we did yoga together in the morning to support each other’s health and well-being.

And I spent a lot of time after everyone had gone to sleep, standing in my kids room and watching them sleep. It was a quiet little church. With soft lights, warm smells and sounds, and this little magical being who had chosen to come live with us. I was convinced this was the meaning of life, for a while. To serve and love these little creatures into bigger and better creatures. And that is so. But it’s only part of the story. And here our journey departed from the mapped trajectory and the capsule opened up and I stepped out for a space walk alone.

There has never been a second since my kids were born that I did not recognize the gift and suffering my beautiful wife took on to bring these little travelers into the world to join us. And even as they often travel in the same space ship without me, I am still orbiting and loving with all my heart.

And the saddest moment of parenting after divorce is the moment when your kids are suddenly gone from your life for days at a time. It’s the one thing I can’t quite fathom. Those nights when I want to return to the church of children and listen to their tiny snores and sighs… And they are not there.

I used to have nightmares about something happening to them. Perhaps even before my departure was written into the flight plan. And I still suffer minor sadness, that seem to come upon me at random times, with random triggers. Like their cereal bowls the morning after I have dropped them off at school and know I won’t see them for almost a week. (SAD.)

I can only guess that my ex has the same pangs of missing them. And in my early drafts of our strategy at becoming parents I never imagined this was a possibility, this five-day absence, that comes every other week. And we travel on in our separate ships and our passengers move through the air-lock of elementary and middle school as they transfer to mom’s ship or dad’s ship.

I am still in love with my kids and even the woman who brought them. It’s evolved into something very different than I planned.

This is no 3D IMAX movie. This is not Gravity. This is real life after divorce. And the joy I feel at seeing my kids has even gotten stronger. Perhaps the longing when they are not within touching or hearing distance causes me to appreciate them even more. I’m not sure how that could be possible, but I do know that my hours with them are  focused and joyous even when we are doing the most mundane things. And when they are asleep in my house, I am complete again, even as a solo-pilot. And I can check in on their pulses in a different way, touch base with their school work and their frustrations, and hear what’s going on.

I am still in love with my kids and even the woman who brought them. It’s evolved into something very different than I planned. And even as I hope for a co-pilot again, there will never be an astronaut who turned herself so completely inside and out to be a family together. I bless her for them constantly. And I travel along alone for a good percentage of my days. But I’m no Major Tom. I’m more of a Tom Hanks. I’m going to solve the issue and get through this crisis too.

Always Love, and always love your ex for what she gave,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

Note: A friend keeps asking when I write these kind of posts if I wanted to get back together with my ex-wife. And loving her is very different from wanting to be with her again. We’re well beyond that. Sure, the kids might secretly hope for their parents to get back together, forever. But that’s not going to happen.

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image: tom hanks press photo for Apollo 13, creative commons usage

Avoiding Holiday Depression: Notes from a Single Dad

WHOLE-sadsanta

Here come the holidays, and as a single parent that means a lot of the time is going to be without your kids. What’s the plan?

I was surprised yesterday, Thursday, when my kids arrived back in my life after a full week’s hiatus, how much my mood and behaviors changed. I had to get the house clean for them. I immediately had conversation partners, and got to hear catch-up tales of their most recent adventures. Even looking over homework is a joy when you’re kids return to your house. It’s sort of like a holiday on my weekends anyway. Okay, but about the coming holiday and Christmas break from school.

There’s a lot of time when I won’t have my kids, so this year I’m mapping out a plan to keep my own heart as jolly as possible during the holidays alone.

The first part is to get a plan.

Often others are also looking for something to do during the off time and all it takes is a phone call.

Extra day’s off can be a problem if you don’t have a rich “other” life. The worst thing you can do is isolate and hole up in your cave. While it might feel like the right thing to do, especially if the weather has just dropped a cold front down your neck, it’s probably best to stay somewhat active during the holidays. Here are the kinds of things I do.

Schedule time to be with other friends. Other single folks, your support group friends, or sports buddies. Any of your friends would probably welcome an added hand in the kitchen in return for some pie and companionship. Do it. Ask. I would do almost anything to give shelter and comfort to my struggling friends.

Go for walks, play games, take the pet on a vacation to the beach. It’s all about your attitude and how YOU approach it. I’ve got a little dog who loves the beach. Even though the cold front has blown in, I love the Winter on Texas beaches, and so does my dog. Why not pack up and drive out-of-town right after the T-day lunch? (Much coffee required, maybe go easy on the turkey and pie.)

Line up some entertainment. If you’re not dating, perhaps a movie date with an old friend. Catching up with friends is what the holidays are all about. All this gratitude sharing, give them part of yourself to be thankful for. It’s okay to be the instigator. Go for it. And don’t give up after a few rejections. Make a list of the movies you want to see and then start calling until you have a HIT. Often others are also looking for something to do during the off time and all it takes is a phone call.

Remind yourself how much you love certain sports or activities you’ve done in the past. So you haven’t been playing tennis, that’s okay. It’s a great time to pick up the racket and call a partner for a “hit.” How are the tires on your bike? Get’em pumped up and go for a bike ride. Sometimes fitness can be an issue, if you’ve been low and less than sporty. But that’s okay too. Take a walk around a park or a lake. Visit a public park and walk the trails. Walking is almost always within doctor’s recommended allowances. (Be sure and check if you do have medical conditions. And be sure and pack plenty snacks and water for the journey.)

Find a favorite old book and read it again. Catcher in the Rye, Razor’s Edge, and Siddhartha are my go-to books. Once you’re IN your IN. Enjoy the familiarity and voice from your past. Sometimes these books got me through difficult times. And while I’m pretty dang happy at the moment, a great book always sounds like a wonderful bed or couch companion.

Try Meetup.com just to get out of your rut. There are probably a ton of singles groups in your area. And they’re not all about “being single” or “hooking up.” One of my favorite one’s a few years ago was a group that played trivia night at a local pizza restaurant. And while the single mix was mostly men, the playfulness and food was always good. The point is to break out of your isolation and just GO. JUST DO IT.

Your own peace of mind, and your own acceptance of yourself, just as you are, is the most important thing you can learn this season.

Go see some live music. My city is known for having great music every night, but you’ve probably got some options in your area as well. Nothing changes my mood better than an uptempo funk or pop song. And seeing the musicians play it live is even more tonic. And get this, there will be other people there, maybe even other singles.

The point is to stop the bad habit of isolation during the lonely holidays. There might have been a time in your past when that is all you could imagine. But you’re stronger and better now, time to get up and get going. Take naps if you feel like it. Sleep in. Stay-up late on an Orange Is the New Black jag if you want. But make sure you make time to be with other people.

There are a lot of people out there that love you even when you’re not feeling well. And the worst thing you can do is feel sad and lonely during the holidays. Something about the season makes some people, me in the past, even more depressed. But you can reach out and reach people who will be around you. Even if you’re alone in a movie theater with a bucket of popcorn and a Slurpee, at least you’re with other people.

Get your butt on the trail to recovery and fitness at that same time. And then, if you don’t, don’t sweat that either. It’s easy to be hard on yourself during the holidays. But your own peace of mind, and your own acceptance of yourself, just as you are, is the most important thing you can learn this season.

Don’t like my ideas, don’t like my post. Ditch it and do whatever you like. I’ve been there, and I’ve struggled with depression in the past. But this year I’ve got a plan. You might want to get your’s in place as well. Try to find a way to connect with others, even when you feel like crawling in a hole and being alone is a better idea. It never is.

Always Love,

John McElhenney
@wholeparent

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image: sad santa hat, jeffrey, creative commons usage